Amy-chan. Her life, her story. Part 4.

Well, I've got some interesting news first of all. Since I finally got paid, I've been able to post adverts left, right and centre, all over the internets. So far, these have garnered a handful of clicks, about a hundred in only a day, so hello to all of you.

I also have that wonderful new banner at the top of this blog, drawn for me by Elliot Dombo, of Strawberry Deathcake. You can find a link to his wonderful webcomic on my sidebar. All of this means that I now have a responsibility to get these stories down and posted, or else I'll never keep any of these new visitors.

So, without further ado, here is the fourth part to Amy-chan. You may be wondering who that girl is that she is arguing with in the top banner, but don't worry, she'll be appearing later.


Imagine a room. A white room, with only one door. Imagine this room as being an 8 foot cube and white, with square padding covering every surface, even the door. The only exception would be the mirrored window in the door, which is a foot square and set five feet from the ground.
Inside this room is a female green humanoid. She is five foot four inches tall. Her physique is slim. She is dressed in a purple outfit of strange design, similar to a ballerina’s leotard, but without the frilly dress. On top of this is a white straightjacket. Her hair is the same shade of bright green as her skin and as long as she is tall. It is tied into dreadlocks.
She also happens to be unconscious, although we join her just as she awakens. Her eyelids flicker as she takes a deep breath. Her body feels heavy, but only by comparison to how it usually does on this planet. She rises to a sitting position and opens her eyes. Groggily, she surveys the room that has just been described. Effortlessly she rips the straightjacket apart and rises to her feet. Her motions are unsteady as she slowly walks over to the mirror.
She stands on her tip-toes and studies her face carefully. She doesn’t recognise the creature that she sees. Confused, she focuses, trying to remember anything, but comes up empty. She has a few, fleeting memories but they are gone just as soon as she tries to grasp them.
Gently she tries the door handle, only to find that it is locked. After a quick glance around the room, she makes her decision and rends the door from its’ hinges. She is instantly set upon by a mass of orange fur. The sheer force that this fur was flung at her with knocks her back, but she maintains her footing. She twists sideways, throwing the strange creature away from her.
She stares at the creature, taking in everything about it. It is humanoid, with two arms and two legs, each covered in the same orange fur as her face. She wears pink and red clothes, which seem familiar yet alien to the green girl. The green girl takes in all of these facts, but is mostly perturbed by the sharp claws and bright fangs that the orange creature is barring with intensity.
They stare at each other for a few seconds. The green girl breaks the silence first, with a loud burst of sound from her mouth, technically referred to as a scream of utter terror. This was succeeded by the green girl’s quick egress, by which I mean that she ran as fast as her legs could carry her. She belted it down corridor after corridor, turning randomly whenever she found an opportunity.
After quite a substantial amount of running, she rested against the wall. To her dismay the furry creature turned the corner ahead of her. The creature straightened her stance and made a such series of noises, which the green girl understood to mean “Hey, get back here!” The green girl didn’t comply, which prompted yet more running. This time the green girl found some ladders, which she climbed with as much haste as she could muster. The creature proved to be able to muster even more speed.
The green girl reached the top of the ladder and leapt off, propelling her into a full sprint several feet away. The orange creature didn’t break stride as she pursued. The green girl glanced back, which as anybody who’s watched a horror film knows is something you should never do. When she returned her gaze to the proper, front-facing direction, she crashed into another humanoid, this one draped in black clothes. They both hit the floor in a pile, onto which the orange creature jumped.
“Amy-chan, have you been scaring our guest?”
“Um, depends on what you mean by scaring.”
“This poor creature appears to be frightened out of her mind.”
“In that case yes, I have been scaring our guest. But not on purpose. I was trying to be friendly.”
“Well maybe you could be friendly somewhere other than directly on top of me? You’re making it difficult to breath.”
“Sorry.” The one identified as Amy-chan said as she rose to her feet. She reached down and helped the green girl up. Heartman was the last to rise, because he was at the bottom of the pile, which would have made getting up first difficult really. He lowered himself to the green girl’s eye level and placed his hand upon her shoulder with gentleness.
“I am informed that you understand human speech. Is this true?”
“Umm, yes.”
“Ah, good. We mean you no harm. Provided, of course, that you do not intend to harm us.”
“Why would I want to do that?”
“You don’t remember?”
“Remember what?”
“Never-mind. All that matters is that no-one was hurt.”
“Ummm, if you don’t mind my asking, who are you? And, ummm, what are you going to do with me?” The green girl asked.
“My name’s Heartman. And to be honest, I’m not sure what we’re going to do with you. Amy-chan has told me that your name is Rhuk.”
“That sounds kind’ve familiar. But I can’t remember anything about who I am.”
Before Heartman could make an attempt at a reply, a loud and distinctly alarm-like noise began ringing throughout the mansion.
“The priority alarm!” Heartman began hobbling as fast as was possible towards a door on the other side of the room. Amy-chan gripped Rhuk by the arm and followed. When Heartman reached the door he yanked it open and practically threw himself into the large armchair contained within. He flicked a switch on the computer panel in front of him. The alarm stopped as the face of the Minister for Defence appeared on the screen.
“You rang sir?”
“Prompt as always Mr Heartman. I have a situation which I believe will require your specialist expertise. Normally I wouldn’t dream of asking for your help while you were recuperating, but the SAS team I sent hasn’t returned.”
“Oh dear.”
“My thoughts exactly. I would like you and your assistant to investigate. I’m sending you the information now.”
Heartman nodded as the Minister for Defence ended the call. He read through the document, then read through it again. He then turned to the two girls.
“Rhuk, I think I’ve figured out what we’re going to do with you. You and Amy-chan will be going to Scotland.”

Amy-chan. Her life, her story. Pt 3

Well, I've gotten back on the bandwagon and I'm going to update regularly (For once). This is partly because of three reasons. One: It's about time. Two: Project Wonderful said that they wouldn't create advertising space on here because I don't have enough posts, and it would be nice to make some money. Three: I actually have a regular reader (I know, I'm stunned too.) Anywhoo.
It may be noticable that I've combined what was previously chapters 3 and 4 into one part. I did this because neither chapter was perticularly long, and I would rather combine them than drag it out needlessly.
So, here goes.



Heartman was training back inside his mansion. Since his leg was broken he was focusing on his accuracy with firearms instead. His training was interrupted when his wristwatch alarm went off. He carefully placed the pistol he was practising with back inside the locked cabinet and hobbled over to the lift. After only a small amount of struggling with the stairs he reached Amy-chan’s bedroom. He knocked on the door politely.
“Amy-chan, it’s time for your practice session. Amy-chan? Answer me. Are you even listening in there?” Heartman placed his hand on the door handle, but before he could open it the doorbell rang.
“I’m just going to go answer that, but I expect you to be ready for practice as soon as I get back.” Heartman steadied himself on his crutch and made his way down the stairs, every other step punctuated with another ring of the doorbell.
“I’m coming! I’m coming!” He yelled. Just as he reached the bottom of the stairs he had to duck as the door burst open in a cloud of splinters. Within seconds he had recovered and drawn a weapon, only to find Amy-chan mere inches from his face.
“Hey boss. I'm back; I just went out for a bit. I hope you weren't worried about me. I brought back a friend, she needs some help."
"Amy-chan, where have you been? Why aren't you in your room? Why do you smell like oil? Did you say you brought a friend?"
"Yeah. She comes from, ummm, somewhere, and she is here to do, something. I weren't really listening. Hey where'd she go?"
"You brought a stranger to our base?" Heartman asked with a certain degree of incredulity, to which Amy-chan replied with a shrug. Heartman sighed to himself before asking, “Okay, so what does she look like?”
“She’s about four-foot six, with hair down to her ankles. Oh, and she’s wearing some kind’ve purple cat-suit. Why is it called a cat-suit? I mean, it doesn’t look anything like a cat and I should know.”
Heartman ignored Amy-chan’s incessant rambling and made his way to his personal command centre. In other words, the living room. He started up the computer he had been using before and started a bio-scan of his mansion. The bio-scan showed a person at the computer, which was tagged as Heartman. It showed another person inside Amy-chan’s bedroom, which was tagged as Amy-chan. It also showed a large, unrecognised bio-signature right next to her. Heartman grabbed a stun gun from his desk drawer and made his way back up the stairs, cursing as he did so.
He stopped outside Amy-chan’s room. The door had been left ajar. Heartman carefully pushed it open with his free hand and pointed the stun gun at where the bio-signature had been recorded.
“Whatever you are, stop what you’re doing.”
There was nothing there. Nothing untoward anyway. What was there was Amy-chan rummaging about in a large pink fridge.
"Amy-chan, why are you looking in your fridge when there‘s an intruder? Why is there a fridge in your room? Why does your fridge show up on my bio-scans?"
"Cos I'm hungry, in case I get hungry, and cos I don't get hungry often." She replied. Heartman put his stun gun in his pocket and hobbled over to the fridge, only to recoil in disgust at what he saw. The fridge was packed full of food, but what was in there had clearly expired some time before. Covering the mess was a weird pink mould.
“Do you really eat that stuff Amy-chan?”
“Of course not, why do you think the mould started growing? I named it Eric. Kinda cute isn’t it?”
“No, it’s kinda gross is what it is. But that’s not the issue here. You should be helping me find the intruder.”
“Oh I already know where she is. She probably went to the weapons lab to get bits for her thingy that I might’ve kinda sort’ve broke.”
“You let an intruder into our weapons lab? That’s it, I’m cutting off your anime allowance.”
“WHAT? Oh come on, that’s hardly fair!”
“I don’t want to hear it. Now come on, we have to get to the weapons lab before that intruder figures out how to activate anything.” Heartman said as he grabbed Amy-chan by the arm and shoved her through the door. With her assistance they got to the weapons lab in a relatively short amount of time. They snuck up to the door as quietly as they could which, being ninjas, was pretty darn quiet.
“Amy-chan, I’ll distract her while you find a weapon to take her down with. If at all possible I want to capture her alive.”
Amy-chan nodded and opened the laboratory door quietly. Much to her surprise, the wall directly next to her exploded for no immediately apparent reason. After standing stock-still for approximately one second, she closed the door again and turned the Heartman with a shocked expression.
“Uh, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I’ve found a weapon that could take her down. The bad news is, she found it first.”
Heartman took a step forward, which was rather a fortunate thing to do, since a blue laser beam cut through the air where he had previously been standing.
“Damn it! How do you control this infernal contrivance?” The unmistakable voice of Princess Rhukdhuiosh shouted.
“Amy-chan, what weapon exactly did she find?” Heartman whispered as another section of wall behind him was atomised.
“The mecha.”
“We have a mecha?”
“No, she has a mecha. Keep up.”
“How long until it runs out of ammo?” Heartman attempted to ask, but was drowned out by the sound of a very loud chainsaw starting up. “On second thought, never mind. Just go in and get another weapon.”
Amy-chan nodded before entering the heavily damaged room. She scanned the room with a single glance, noting the position of tables, desks and her stacks of spare parts. She instinctively crouched into a suitable bounding position and began making her way quietly to where her latest project was kept. Unfortunately, the Princess had already figured out how to use the mecha’s scanning systems.
“I must extend my thanks to you. If you hadn’t dragged me here I would never have found this nice little toy of yours. Now, hold still while I repay the favour.” She said as she aimed the mecha’s largest gun at Amy-chan. With her cat-like reflexes Amy-chan managed to leap out of the way just in time, but the ground between her and her objective had been reduced to molten slag, which wouldn’t cool for some time.
Amy-chan switched tactics and darted forwards, hoping to get in close and disable the machine before Rhukdhuiosh figured out the close-combat protocols.
She was too late. The mecha slammed its large fist into the ground just as Amy-chan landed, the shockwaves knocking her off-balance. Within the time it took her to regain her footing, Rhukdhuiosh had brought her foot round to deliver a kick directly to Amy-chan’s torso. With the wind thoroughly kicked out of her, Amy-chan went flying across the weapons lab, smashing a table in twain upon her landing. She didn’t get back up.
Rhukdhuiosh, having figured out much of the machine’s controls, stomped towards the immobile catgirl and powered up the chainsaw.
“I’m going to enjoy this immensely, by the way.”
“I’m afraid I have to disagree with that assessment.” Heartman yelled as he landed on the mecha’s domed cockpit. He used the momentum from his leap to bring his katana down in front of the Princess, slicing the mecha’s control panels with ease. He jumped away just as the sparks ignited, causing the entire machine to explode violently.
Heartman landed heavily some way away. “Damn, I wanted her alive.” He cursed under his breath as pieces of mech landed around him, among them the charred body of Rhukdhuiosh. Heartman clambered to his feet, using his sword-sheath as an impromptu walking stick, and hobbled over to her. As he reached down to roll her face-up, her hand gripped his throat tightly. Heartman looked on with shock as her flesh de-charred itself.
“Guess what, my species heals very quickly, as does my outfit.” She said as she stood up. True enough, her clothing had re-knitted itself back to its’ former purply glory.
“It’s made from a rare plant from my home world. It’s a really nice place, nothing like this swampy little mud-ball of yours. Still, it should make a nice slave raising planet, with your people as the first batch. I’m going to give you just one warning. Stay out of my way, or I’ll kill you. Got that?”
Heartman answered by way of spitting in her eye. The Princess tightened her grip, taking delight in the strange shade of purple his face was turning.
And that’s when Amy-chan hit her over the head with a frying pan.

Amy-Chan. Her Life, Her Story. Part 2

Well, here it is. The second part to my epic novel, rewritten using a lot of energy drink and tea..... I mean, uh, concentration and preparation. Yeah. That's it.

Anywhoo, those of you who have read the original version of this may notice a few more subtle differences. If you don't like them, then please comment. If you do like them, then I implore you to comment.

On with the show.

It was a dark and stormy night. Thunder cracked as lightning struck the rod atop the local church. All throughout the small village people rushed home and closed their doors. There is a phrase to describe heavy rain, something along the lines of mad dogs and Englishmen being the only ones who would venture out, but this weather kept even them indoors.
Located on the outskirts of the village was an ancient mansion. Originally a medieval palace, it had been converted and redesigned so often throughout the years that only an expert would be able to decipher its’ myriad secret passages and rooms.
But this isn’t the time for that. This is the time to describe the taxi that pulled up outside it and the strange people it carried.
The driver jumped as thunder cracked once more.
“Blimey! I’d hate to be out in this. ‘Ere, you gonna be alright with that leg?”
“I assure you, I can manage perfectly well.” The Englishman said in his impeccable BBC English. What was visible of his face between his raincoat and his facemask was Caucasian, with a small nose and dull blue eyes. The young girl travelling with him revealed even less of her features.
“Well, do you want any help with your bags and stuff?”
“Oh, I’ve got that.” The girl replied.
“Alright then. That’s £15:68 please mate.”
While the Englishman searched his pockets for his wallet, the girl stepped out and made her way to the boot. As she unloaded she noticed movement out of the corner of her eye. Within less than a second she had spun around, crouched low and drawn three kunai from her pocket. What she saw made her stop and stare in bewilderment.
“Amy-chan! What’s taking so long?” Heartman yelled above the hammering of the rain on the taxi roof. He hobbled over on his crutches.
“A spaceship! I saw a spaceship! A UFO! A real-life UFO!”
“Amy-chan, there’s no such thing as a UFO. It was probably a weather balloon.”
“You didn’t even look.” Amy-chan frantically pointed to the sky, but when Heartman did turn around all he saw were clouds.
“There’s nothing there. UFOs are just supernatural pish-tosh.”
“This coming from the guy who battles Nazi Squirrels for a living?”
“Touche. Now are you going to carry the luggage or stand about in the rain all day?”
Amy-chan reluctantly grabbed the two suitcases and walked up the driveway towards the front door, glancing back towards where she had spotted the ship before entering her home.

The following morning the weather had brightened considerably. The sun was shining and not a cloud was in the sky. Naturally, with such wonderful weather, our two protagonists were staring at computer screens indoors. Heartman was conversing over a secure feed with Britain’s Minister for Defence. The Minister was delighted to hear that another Squirrel base had been destroyed and that Heartman had discovered the identity of one of their key players. He was less than delighted to hear of Heartman’s injury and subsequent need for recuperation time.
Amy-chan was sitting staring at her PC screen. It was turned off. She glanced first at her stack of computer games, then at her stack of anime DVDs and then finally at her shelves of manga.
“There’s nothing to do!” She screamed to the empty room. She stomped over to her bedroom window and opened the curtains to reveal acres upon acres of lush forest directly outside. She opened the window and jumped over to the nearest tree. With dexterity only available to someone who is half human/ half kitten she swung through the branches, away from the mansion.
Amy-chan bounced from tree to tree, stopping nearly a mile away from the mansion to pick apples from one of the trees. She found a sturdy branch and began munching on her find.
Suddenly a loud clanging sound echoed throughout the forest. Amy-chan slipped from her tree branch and landed headfirst in a bush behind her. She plucked leaves out of her hair as she clambered to her feet. The clanging sound picked up again, this time louder and accompanied by a high-pitched shouting. Amy-chan flicked her ears around to pick up the location of the ruckus, then she bounded away in its’ direction.
As she approached the source of the commotion, Amy-chan crouched low and peered through a convenient bush. What she saw made her gasp in astonishment.
It was the spaceship from the previous night. It was lying slightly embedded in the forest floor. A short green woman with very long, equally green dreadlocks was kicking and screaming next to it. Amy-chan, being the kind soul that she is, made her existence known to this alien creature.
She jumped on top of the alien and pinned her to the ground.
“Hi there! My name’s Amy-chan, what’s yours?”
“I am Princess Rhukdhuiosh of the Greater Yusyse Empire, now get off of me.” The alien said as she threw Amy-chan away from her. Amy-chan landed on her feet and bounded towards the spaceship.
“That’s nice. What’s wrong with your ship?”
“Get away from that! You, and all of this planets inhabitants, will become slaves in the service of the greatest empire in the history of this galaxy.”
“Good luck with that. Hey, what’s this bit for?” Amy-chan asked as she pulled something off of the side of the ship. It didn’t want to come off, but with a good whack she managed to dislodge it.
“I said don’t touch that! That’s very delicate!”
“It’s broken is what it is. Look, this bit’s all wonky. I’ll have it fixed in a jiffy for you though.” Amy-chan pulled a small hammer out of her pocket (One of many items she carries around with her, just in case they’re needed. She also carries a tape measure, a paperclip, five ounces of gunpowder and a packet of tic-tacs). Without hesitation she began hitting the wonky piece with vigour.
“It’s meant to be wonky! If you touch it with your backwards tools it could-”
The wonky piece exploded violently, propelling Amy-chan across the clearing and covering Rhukdhuiosh with a black, oily substance.
“-Do exactly that.” Rhukdhuiosh finished as she spat the substance out of her mouth.
“Hey, Wookdoosh, I have a question.” Amy-chan wiped the substance from her face as she walked towards the alien.
“WHAT? What do you want from me you strange, annoying creature? Obviously it has to be more important than what I want, because Psidomsh knows that I travelled over seventeen parsecs to this backwater stinkhole of a planet not to conquer it and reclaim my rightful heritage from my scheming uncle but to answer the inane questions of the first annoying brat of a creature I run into! So what? What is it?”
Amy-chan held up the wonky bit in one hand and pointed to it with the other, “Can I keep this?”
The alien princess, who had had her empire stolen from her, had travelled such a distance, had been stranded on earth and had been knocked out of the sky by lightning finally broke down and cried. Amy-chan dropped the wonky piece and began to fret. She wasn’t used to people crying, let alone aliens. She bent down next to the alien and gently placed her hand on her slender shoulder.
“Hey, chin up now. Since it’s my fault that you lost your space-thingammy I’ll take you back to my place and build you a new one. A better one. Then you can conquer the Earth like you’re supposed to. Okay?”
Rhukdhuiosh stopped crying long enough to nod and whisper a mumbled “Okay.”
Amy-chan gently lifted the alien in her arms. She was only four-foot five, and really skinny too, so she didn’t weigh much.
After ten minutes of determined walking Amy-chan stopped and asked, “You don’t happen to know the way out do you?”