Amy-chan. Her life, her story. Part 4.

Well, I've got some interesting news first of all. Since I finally got paid, I've been able to post adverts left, right and centre, all over the internets. So far, these have garnered a handful of clicks, about a hundred in only a day, so hello to all of you.

I also have that wonderful new banner at the top of this blog, drawn for me by Elliot Dombo, of Strawberry Deathcake. You can find a link to his wonderful webcomic on my sidebar. All of this means that I now have a responsibility to get these stories down and posted, or else I'll never keep any of these new visitors.

So, without further ado, here is the fourth part to Amy-chan. You may be wondering who that girl is that she is arguing with in the top banner, but don't worry, she'll be appearing later.


Imagine a room. A white room, with only one door. Imagine this room as being an 8 foot cube and white, with square padding covering every surface, even the door. The only exception would be the mirrored window in the door, which is a foot square and set five feet from the ground.
Inside this room is a female green humanoid. She is five foot four inches tall. Her physique is slim. She is dressed in a purple outfit of strange design, similar to a ballerina’s leotard, but without the frilly dress. On top of this is a white straightjacket. Her hair is the same shade of bright green as her skin and as long as she is tall. It is tied into dreadlocks.
She also happens to be unconscious, although we join her just as she awakens. Her eyelids flicker as she takes a deep breath. Her body feels heavy, but only by comparison to how it usually does on this planet. She rises to a sitting position and opens her eyes. Groggily, she surveys the room that has just been described. Effortlessly she rips the straightjacket apart and rises to her feet. Her motions are unsteady as she slowly walks over to the mirror.
She stands on her tip-toes and studies her face carefully. She doesn’t recognise the creature that she sees. Confused, she focuses, trying to remember anything, but comes up empty. She has a few, fleeting memories but they are gone just as soon as she tries to grasp them.
Gently she tries the door handle, only to find that it is locked. After a quick glance around the room, she makes her decision and rends the door from its’ hinges. She is instantly set upon by a mass of orange fur. The sheer force that this fur was flung at her with knocks her back, but she maintains her footing. She twists sideways, throwing the strange creature away from her.
She stares at the creature, taking in everything about it. It is humanoid, with two arms and two legs, each covered in the same orange fur as her face. She wears pink and red clothes, which seem familiar yet alien to the green girl. The green girl takes in all of these facts, but is mostly perturbed by the sharp claws and bright fangs that the orange creature is barring with intensity.
They stare at each other for a few seconds. The green girl breaks the silence first, with a loud burst of sound from her mouth, technically referred to as a scream of utter terror. This was succeeded by the green girl’s quick egress, by which I mean that she ran as fast as her legs could carry her. She belted it down corridor after corridor, turning randomly whenever she found an opportunity.
After quite a substantial amount of running, she rested against the wall. To her dismay the furry creature turned the corner ahead of her. The creature straightened her stance and made a such series of noises, which the green girl understood to mean “Hey, get back here!” The green girl didn’t comply, which prompted yet more running. This time the green girl found some ladders, which she climbed with as much haste as she could muster. The creature proved to be able to muster even more speed.
The green girl reached the top of the ladder and leapt off, propelling her into a full sprint several feet away. The orange creature didn’t break stride as she pursued. The green girl glanced back, which as anybody who’s watched a horror film knows is something you should never do. When she returned her gaze to the proper, front-facing direction, she crashed into another humanoid, this one draped in black clothes. They both hit the floor in a pile, onto which the orange creature jumped.
“Amy-chan, have you been scaring our guest?”
“Um, depends on what you mean by scaring.”
“This poor creature appears to be frightened out of her mind.”
“In that case yes, I have been scaring our guest. But not on purpose. I was trying to be friendly.”
“Well maybe you could be friendly somewhere other than directly on top of me? You’re making it difficult to breath.”
“Sorry.” The one identified as Amy-chan said as she rose to her feet. She reached down and helped the green girl up. Heartman was the last to rise, because he was at the bottom of the pile, which would have made getting up first difficult really. He lowered himself to the green girl’s eye level and placed his hand upon her shoulder with gentleness.
“I am informed that you understand human speech. Is this true?”
“Umm, yes.”
“Ah, good. We mean you no harm. Provided, of course, that you do not intend to harm us.”
“Why would I want to do that?”
“You don’t remember?”
“Remember what?”
“Never-mind. All that matters is that no-one was hurt.”
“Ummm, if you don’t mind my asking, who are you? And, ummm, what are you going to do with me?” The green girl asked.
“My name’s Heartman. And to be honest, I’m not sure what we’re going to do with you. Amy-chan has told me that your name is Rhuk.”
“That sounds kind’ve familiar. But I can’t remember anything about who I am.”
Before Heartman could make an attempt at a reply, a loud and distinctly alarm-like noise began ringing throughout the mansion.
“The priority alarm!” Heartman began hobbling as fast as was possible towards a door on the other side of the room. Amy-chan gripped Rhuk by the arm and followed. When Heartman reached the door he yanked it open and practically threw himself into the large armchair contained within. He flicked a switch on the computer panel in front of him. The alarm stopped as the face of the Minister for Defence appeared on the screen.
“You rang sir?”
“Prompt as always Mr Heartman. I have a situation which I believe will require your specialist expertise. Normally I wouldn’t dream of asking for your help while you were recuperating, but the SAS team I sent hasn’t returned.”
“Oh dear.”
“My thoughts exactly. I would like you and your assistant to investigate. I’m sending you the information now.”
Heartman nodded as the Minister for Defence ended the call. He read through the document, then read through it again. He then turned to the two girls.
“Rhuk, I think I’ve figured out what we’re going to do with you. You and Amy-chan will be going to Scotland.”

Amy-chan. Her life, her story. Pt 3

Well, I've gotten back on the bandwagon and I'm going to update regularly (For once). This is partly because of three reasons. One: It's about time. Two: Project Wonderful said that they wouldn't create advertising space on here because I don't have enough posts, and it would be nice to make some money. Three: I actually have a regular reader (I know, I'm stunned too.) Anywhoo.
It may be noticable that I've combined what was previously chapters 3 and 4 into one part. I did this because neither chapter was perticularly long, and I would rather combine them than drag it out needlessly.
So, here goes.



Heartman was training back inside his mansion. Since his leg was broken he was focusing on his accuracy with firearms instead. His training was interrupted when his wristwatch alarm went off. He carefully placed the pistol he was practising with back inside the locked cabinet and hobbled over to the lift. After only a small amount of struggling with the stairs he reached Amy-chan’s bedroom. He knocked on the door politely.
“Amy-chan, it’s time for your practice session. Amy-chan? Answer me. Are you even listening in there?” Heartman placed his hand on the door handle, but before he could open it the doorbell rang.
“I’m just going to go answer that, but I expect you to be ready for practice as soon as I get back.” Heartman steadied himself on his crutch and made his way down the stairs, every other step punctuated with another ring of the doorbell.
“I’m coming! I’m coming!” He yelled. Just as he reached the bottom of the stairs he had to duck as the door burst open in a cloud of splinters. Within seconds he had recovered and drawn a weapon, only to find Amy-chan mere inches from his face.
“Hey boss. I'm back; I just went out for a bit. I hope you weren't worried about me. I brought back a friend, she needs some help."
"Amy-chan, where have you been? Why aren't you in your room? Why do you smell like oil? Did you say you brought a friend?"
"Yeah. She comes from, ummm, somewhere, and she is here to do, something. I weren't really listening. Hey where'd she go?"
"You brought a stranger to our base?" Heartman asked with a certain degree of incredulity, to which Amy-chan replied with a shrug. Heartman sighed to himself before asking, “Okay, so what does she look like?”
“She’s about four-foot six, with hair down to her ankles. Oh, and she’s wearing some kind’ve purple cat-suit. Why is it called a cat-suit? I mean, it doesn’t look anything like a cat and I should know.”
Heartman ignored Amy-chan’s incessant rambling and made his way to his personal command centre. In other words, the living room. He started up the computer he had been using before and started a bio-scan of his mansion. The bio-scan showed a person at the computer, which was tagged as Heartman. It showed another person inside Amy-chan’s bedroom, which was tagged as Amy-chan. It also showed a large, unrecognised bio-signature right next to her. Heartman grabbed a stun gun from his desk drawer and made his way back up the stairs, cursing as he did so.
He stopped outside Amy-chan’s room. The door had been left ajar. Heartman carefully pushed it open with his free hand and pointed the stun gun at where the bio-signature had been recorded.
“Whatever you are, stop what you’re doing.”
There was nothing there. Nothing untoward anyway. What was there was Amy-chan rummaging about in a large pink fridge.
"Amy-chan, why are you looking in your fridge when there‘s an intruder? Why is there a fridge in your room? Why does your fridge show up on my bio-scans?"
"Cos I'm hungry, in case I get hungry, and cos I don't get hungry often." She replied. Heartman put his stun gun in his pocket and hobbled over to the fridge, only to recoil in disgust at what he saw. The fridge was packed full of food, but what was in there had clearly expired some time before. Covering the mess was a weird pink mould.
“Do you really eat that stuff Amy-chan?”
“Of course not, why do you think the mould started growing? I named it Eric. Kinda cute isn’t it?”
“No, it’s kinda gross is what it is. But that’s not the issue here. You should be helping me find the intruder.”
“Oh I already know where she is. She probably went to the weapons lab to get bits for her thingy that I might’ve kinda sort’ve broke.”
“You let an intruder into our weapons lab? That’s it, I’m cutting off your anime allowance.”
“WHAT? Oh come on, that’s hardly fair!”
“I don’t want to hear it. Now come on, we have to get to the weapons lab before that intruder figures out how to activate anything.” Heartman said as he grabbed Amy-chan by the arm and shoved her through the door. With her assistance they got to the weapons lab in a relatively short amount of time. They snuck up to the door as quietly as they could which, being ninjas, was pretty darn quiet.
“Amy-chan, I’ll distract her while you find a weapon to take her down with. If at all possible I want to capture her alive.”
Amy-chan nodded and opened the laboratory door quietly. Much to her surprise, the wall directly next to her exploded for no immediately apparent reason. After standing stock-still for approximately one second, she closed the door again and turned the Heartman with a shocked expression.
“Uh, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I’ve found a weapon that could take her down. The bad news is, she found it first.”
Heartman took a step forward, which was rather a fortunate thing to do, since a blue laser beam cut through the air where he had previously been standing.
“Damn it! How do you control this infernal contrivance?” The unmistakable voice of Princess Rhukdhuiosh shouted.
“Amy-chan, what weapon exactly did she find?” Heartman whispered as another section of wall behind him was atomised.
“The mecha.”
“We have a mecha?”
“No, she has a mecha. Keep up.”
“How long until it runs out of ammo?” Heartman attempted to ask, but was drowned out by the sound of a very loud chainsaw starting up. “On second thought, never mind. Just go in and get another weapon.”
Amy-chan nodded before entering the heavily damaged room. She scanned the room with a single glance, noting the position of tables, desks and her stacks of spare parts. She instinctively crouched into a suitable bounding position and began making her way quietly to where her latest project was kept. Unfortunately, the Princess had already figured out how to use the mecha’s scanning systems.
“I must extend my thanks to you. If you hadn’t dragged me here I would never have found this nice little toy of yours. Now, hold still while I repay the favour.” She said as she aimed the mecha’s largest gun at Amy-chan. With her cat-like reflexes Amy-chan managed to leap out of the way just in time, but the ground between her and her objective had been reduced to molten slag, which wouldn’t cool for some time.
Amy-chan switched tactics and darted forwards, hoping to get in close and disable the machine before Rhukdhuiosh figured out the close-combat protocols.
She was too late. The mecha slammed its large fist into the ground just as Amy-chan landed, the shockwaves knocking her off-balance. Within the time it took her to regain her footing, Rhukdhuiosh had brought her foot round to deliver a kick directly to Amy-chan’s torso. With the wind thoroughly kicked out of her, Amy-chan went flying across the weapons lab, smashing a table in twain upon her landing. She didn’t get back up.
Rhukdhuiosh, having figured out much of the machine’s controls, stomped towards the immobile catgirl and powered up the chainsaw.
“I’m going to enjoy this immensely, by the way.”
“I’m afraid I have to disagree with that assessment.” Heartman yelled as he landed on the mecha’s domed cockpit. He used the momentum from his leap to bring his katana down in front of the Princess, slicing the mecha’s control panels with ease. He jumped away just as the sparks ignited, causing the entire machine to explode violently.
Heartman landed heavily some way away. “Damn, I wanted her alive.” He cursed under his breath as pieces of mech landed around him, among them the charred body of Rhukdhuiosh. Heartman clambered to his feet, using his sword-sheath as an impromptu walking stick, and hobbled over to her. As he reached down to roll her face-up, her hand gripped his throat tightly. Heartman looked on with shock as her flesh de-charred itself.
“Guess what, my species heals very quickly, as does my outfit.” She said as she stood up. True enough, her clothing had re-knitted itself back to its’ former purply glory.
“It’s made from a rare plant from my home world. It’s a really nice place, nothing like this swampy little mud-ball of yours. Still, it should make a nice slave raising planet, with your people as the first batch. I’m going to give you just one warning. Stay out of my way, or I’ll kill you. Got that?”
Heartman answered by way of spitting in her eye. The Princess tightened her grip, taking delight in the strange shade of purple his face was turning.
And that’s when Amy-chan hit her over the head with a frying pan.

Evil Diva: Dungeons And Devils. Part 2.

I said I was working on it, and I was. Mostly. Hey, I'd just found a place where I can watch W.I.T.C.H. (When I get money, I'm going to buy it so that I'm not reliant on an internet connection.) I wonder what the abridged version would be like?

Anywhoo, Evil Diva. Read the comic at www.evildivacomics.com and then go vote for them at TopWebComics. That's an order. Once you've done that, read this.

The cafeteria at St. Swithern’s was a cacophony of noise, which was not unusual at lunch time. Jene got her food and tried to identify it as she made her way over to Phin’s table.
“I don’t know what animal this meat comes from and I’m quite certain I don’t want to know.” She said, to which silence was her only reply. “Did I miss something?”
“Nothing much, just these two being utter cowards, as usual.” Aaron replied.
“What did you expect us to do? It’s not like we could’ve fought him.” Phin tried to defend himself.
“Why not? It’s better than just running away. Hey, how about this, maybe you could’ve come back later and let us out!”
“But if Kurt had found out he would’ve-”
“Done exactly what he does all the time. You two can keep your heads down all you want, he’ll still make your lives miserable. But I can’t expect you to stand up for your friends, you don’t even stand up for yourselves.” Aaron grabbed his tray of half-eaten food and stormed off.
“Okay, I’m certain I missed something. Phin, what did you do?”
“We didn’t do anything!”
“And that’s what’s wrong. We didn’t do anything when we should’ve.” Cornelius said as he picked up his bag and left.
“Should’ve done what?”
“It’s none of your business.” Phin snapped back as he too stormed off, leaving Jene sitting alone at the table.
“What was that about?” Jene asked herself as she stabbed her mystery meat with her fork.

Aaron’s mood hadn’t improved any by the time he got home. He found his parents sitting in the dining room waiting for him. They did not look too pleased.
“Um, hey. What’s up?”
“Where were you last night?” His mother asked.
“I was at Phin’s, like I said I would be. It just took a lot longer than we thought it would, that’s all. I ended up staying the night.”
“And why didn’t you phone us?”
“Uh, well, Phin’s parents have been having some trouble with the phone company and, uh, they’ve been temporarily cut off.”
“Really? They didn’t mention it when we phoned last night. They didn’t mention you either when we asked them. So, where were you last night?”
Instead of answering Aaron just diverted his gaze.
“You’ve been hanging out with those Demons again haven’t you?”
“And what if I have?”
“Son, we’re worried about you.” His father finally spoke. “Worried that you might be straying from your duties as an Angel. These Demons, they’re a bad influence on you. We’ve been worried for some time, but we’ve trusted you to make the right decisions, but when we spoke to your friend’s parents last night, they mentioned something that we just can’t ignore. They said that you’ve been playing that Dungeons & Devils game.”
“It’s just a game dad, it’s not like it encourages evil or anything.”
“That’s besides the point. What your father’s trying to say is that we think it would be for the best if you weren’t to hang out with Demons anymore.”
“WHAT? But they’re my friends. Just because they’re Demons it doesn’t automatically but them bad.”
“Enough. We’ve made our decision. Now, haven’t you got some studying to do?”
Aaron slammed the door behind him as he stomped upstairs.

The next day Lyle was still missing from school. Jene jabbed Phin on the arm by way of greeting.
“Ow, what was that for?”
“The sake of it. Now, I’ve been thinking.”
“Don’t strain yourself.”
“Hardy-har-har. I’ve decided that I will join in with that little game of yours. Could be fun. When’s the first meeting?”
“They’re called sessions, and I don’t think we’ll be having any anymore.” Phin said as he slammed his locker door shut.
“Huh? Why not? Is this to do with whatever happened yesterday?”
“Will you just get your big nose out of our business already?” Phin slung his bag over his shoulder and stormed off, ignoring the inquisitorial stares he was getting from the perplexed students around him.
“Fine, have your little hissy fit! If you won’t tell me, I’ll just find someone who will!” Jene yelled after him. After only a small amount of pouting, she spotted exactly who she was hoping for. There was no mistaking that overly spiky hair, it was Aaron. With expert precision, she weaved her way through the throng of students.
“Hey Aaron, what’s up?”
“I’m not allowed to hang out with you anymore. My folks think you‘re a bad influence.”
“What? But we met like, two days ago. Unless I’ve had more of an influence on you than I thought.” Jene replied with a devilish twinkle in her eye.
“WHAT? NO. I mean, not that you’re not cute, ‘cos you are, but not that cute. I mean, uh, I mean I’m an idiot.”
“Haha, I’m just messing with ya. Sweet Jesus you’re funny.”
“It’s not you specifically, it’s Demons in general. All because of what happened on Monday.”
“Okay, I’ll bite, what happened on Monday?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Aaron said dismissively, but Jene wouldn’t take no for an answer. Instead she grabbed him by the collar and began to drag him through the hallway.
“That’s it, you’re coming with me!” Jene said, waving to the very bemused students who were staring. Once she had found the room she had been looking for she shoved him inside and closed the door behind them.
“Y’know, people are going to talk.”
“Yeah well, let them. You’re going to tell me what happened to Lyle on Monday.”
“Did Lyle tell you about the great custard adventure?”
“Um, no?”
“Well unless you tell me what’s been going on with the four of you I’ll give you a repeat demonstration.”
“Fine!” Aaron finally gave in and told her everything that had transpired, from his meeting with Kurt on the front steps up to his parents’ intervention. “Happy now?”
“Of course not. Poor little Lyle, embarrassed in front of queen b***h like that. I think we need to help him out.”
“But what can we do? He’s not even here and my parents have forbade me from going round his house.”
“Oh please, as if I ever listen to what my parents say. Now come on, we’ve got a meeting with queen b***h to arrange.”
Aaron rushed after Jene as she left the empty AV club room. He tried to catch up with her, but she kept dodging him. They reached the entrance hall, only to be blocked by a throng of students.
“What’s going on?” Aaron asked as Jene shoved people out of the way. When they reached the front of the crowd they saw Lyle being stared down by both Kurt and Trent. Lucy and the other girl were standing slightly to the side, grinning evilly.
“Look who decided to finally show up. It’s the little pant-wetter.” Kurt said as he pushed Lyle.
“Leave him alone!” Aaron was surprised at the authoritative tone the voice had shouted in. He was even more surprised to find out that it was his own.
“And here’s your boyfriend, right on cue.” Kurt said, to snickers from the crowd.
“Oh gee, a gay joke, how mature.” Jene said as she stepped forward.
“Who said this was any of your business newby?” Lucy asked as she turned to face Jene.
“I’ve got a bit of a reputation for sticking my nose in, Emo-girl.”
Lucy’s voice quietened to a barely audible whisper, “What did you just call me?”
“You heard me little miss Emo.” Jene said with a grin. Her grin didn’t last long as Lucy punched her square in the face. Jene hit the ground, hard.
“Don’t call me that.” Lucy took a step forward, but found her way barred by Phin and Cornelius.
“Walk away, right now.” Phin said through clenched teeth. Lucy looked around at the crowd and her friends, then at the defiant Demons in front of her.
“Come on guys, let’s leave before any teachers get involved.” She said, before turning and walking away. As the crowd dispersed, Mr. Virgil was revealed to have been standing there all along.
“You five, my office, now.” He said as he turned away. The five friends picked themselves up and followed him as instructed.

They entered Mr. Virgil’s office just as the first bell rang.
“Don’t worry about class, I’ll have a talk to your respective teachers. Now, please explain your actions.”
The friends looked around sheepishly, but none spoke up.
Mr. Virgil sat down in his chair, “Speak up, I don’t have all day.”
The friends all started talking at the same time, but stopped when Mr. Virgil put up his hand.
“One at a time please. Mr. Goode, why don’t you start first?” Mr. Virgil gestured to Aaron, who complied. After a lot of talking and several cups of tea, Mr. Virgil had finally coaxed the full story out of the five youngsters.
“So, if I understand correctly, everything has resolved itself, mostly thanks to the efforts of Miss. Payne here.”
“Yeah, except Aaron can’t play D&D anymore because his parents have banned him from hanging out at Phin’s place.” Jene piped up.
“That, at least, is something I think I can help you with. As you may know, we have several after-school clubs here. I’m sure if I were to put in a request with the Principal we could create one exclusively for the five of you. You’ll need parental permission to join of course, but I’m sure even Mr and Mrs Goode couldn’t object to a Creative Media Club.”

Review: Wolverine.

SPOILER WARNING. I have seen the new Wolverine movie. It was so good (And, at other times atrocious) that I must speak about it right now. I may randomly review things from now on, just because it's my blog and I'll do what I want to.
And just because it's funny.


His history, which took place mostly during the opening credits, was pretty darn awesome. It showed a rather faithful adaptation of the Origin comic book from a few years back, with Victor Creed as his childhood friend/older brother, and the drunk gardener Logan. (Fun fact, Wolvie is not technically a mutant, neither are Sabretooth, Daken (Wolvie's son) or X-23 (Wolvie's daughter via artificial insemination) since the gardener Logan was a mutant, none of his descendants have mutated since, but merely passed on their powers.)
Anywhoo, they do screw it up a little way in, by cutting out James (Wolvie) Howlett's first love Rose, who was murdered by Victor "Dog" Creed. I understand why though, time restraints, Wolvie's origin is long and complicated, and they had Silver Fox to show his tragic love life. After the opening credits, showing James and Victor going through several wars (And cutting out Wolvie's time in Japan along the way (But that's minor really), we skip to Vietnam and when they got recruited by Stryker (From X-Men 2 movie).
There they meet Wraith, Agent Zero, Wade Wilson (More on him later), Fred Dukes and some bloke who can power electrical devices with his mind. During Stryker's quest to find Adamantium, Wolvie leaves the group and his brother, seemingly for good.
I'll skip a bit, but Wolvie falls for Silver Fox and becomes a lumberjack, until the day Victor kills her. This leads Wolvie on a revenge trip, where he finds out Wade Wilson and the electric guy have both been murdered by Victor, agrees to get the adamantium bonded, then finds out Stryker wants to use him as a weapon (And erase his memories). He busts out, stuff happens, he kills Agent Zero (Whose specialty is being good with guns. He seriously thought he had a chance, moron), then hunts down Fred Dukes and Wraith, in order to find Victor.
Wraith has gone straight and is a boxing promoter, one of the people on his books is Fred Dukes, whose, ah, put on a little weight. Okay, a lot of weight. Alright, quite possibly a metric ton. After a humorous mix-up and a fight scene, Wolvie finds out that Victor was working for Stryker all along, catching mutants for experiments. He and Wraith leave for vengeance, by finding the one mutant who escaped being captured, Remy Lebeau, who can be found in New Orleans playing cards. Wraith tries to cover the back exit but gets killed by Victor, whose just come from killing Fred Dukes. Gambit (Whose powers are accurately portrayed, but most people will think they weren't because they didn't read his comic), fights Wolvie, and in doing so allow Victor to escape.
They then go to Stryker's hideout, which is in a nuclear power plant (If you do watch that scene, remember that this was set in the 70s-80s). Gambit does nothing other than fly the plane, which Wolvie jumps out of.
He goes in, kills a lot of people, saves a whole bunch more, learns stuff he really didn't want to, and just as he's saving a girl with diamond skin and a boy with laser-beam-eyes (Yeah, you can probably guess who they are) he faces Deadpool, Weapon XI (Roman numeral for 11, Captain America was Weapon 0, very important). Somes witty banter later (Not, that entire fight scene has one joke, and it was Wolvie who said it. This isn't the Deadpool we know and love), Victor shows that he does have an honourable bone in his body (Exactly one, which I think he has surgically removed later in life) as he helps his younger brother.
They get the snot beaten out of them, until Wolvie comes up with a great idea, which I won't spoil for you, but has been used in the comic and it didn't work.Then stuff happens, we get the most important cameo in the movie and all the loose ends get resolved, leaving exactly one plot hole (Emphasis on hole).
The action scenes were awesome, Wolvie getting to grips with who he is and what he let happen to himself shows some great acting by Hugh Jackman and there are more than enough cameos to even get some lost on me.

But nobody cares about any of that. What's really been drawing in the crowds is the very first big screen appearance of Deadpool, the single most awesome character ever created in the history of comic books. Ryan Reynolds plays pre-healing factor Wade Wilson to a Tee, being a witty, sharp-tongued ass-kicker that he is. Then they go and ruin it by sowing his GORRAMN MOUTH SHUT! THIS IS DEADPOOL WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE, TALKING IS WHAT HE DOES! THEY DON'T CALL HIM THE MERC WITH A MOUTH FOR NOTHING! HE'S THE GUY WHO'S DESTROYING THE FOURTH WALL BRICK BY BRICK, WITH DYNAMITE!

So yeah, I'm not happy with what they did to their, honestly, third biggest star, behind Wolvie and Gambit.
Also, the officially released action figures are smegging tiny.

Evil Diva: Dungeons and Devils. Part 1

Check the sidebar. The one to the left. Just below the photo of my ugly mug is a list of links. One of the websites on there is called Evil Diva, and it's a webcomic by Pete Menotti, Brinson Theime and Honoel A. Ibardolaza. I would really recommend reading it. What follows is a fanfiction I have written.





I want to make it extremely clear that this is only part 1. Part 2 will be posted either Friday or next Wednesday, I'm not yet sure which.




It was a sunny day at St. Swithern’s School. In fact, a good many of the students considered it too sunny as they shielded their eyes against glare. When the school bus pulled up a young blond Angel wearing a white shirt and black trousers named Aaron was lazily re-reading his maths study guide on the school steps. He scooted aside so that the students could move past him.
Just as the last students made their ways through the school doors someone snatched his book out of his hand.
“Hey look, the little loner’s studying. Isn’t that cute?” The orange-haired Demon wearing a green trench coat said to his friends.
“It’s none of your business Kurt.” As he reached out to snatch it back Aaron lost his footing and slipped. He landed heavily on the pavement, his books spilling out of his backpack.
The four Demons at the top of the stairs laughed at this misfortune. As Aaron picked himself up, Kurt threw the book at his head, hard.
“Come on guys, this is getting boring now. Let’s go find someone else.” Kurt’s pale-skinned female friend said. Aaron picked himself up as another Demon, this one with dark red hair and half-rim glasses came running up to the school.
“Sorry I’m late. My brother deactivated my alarm clock so I missed the bus and had to run here. What happened to you?”
“Nothing Phin, I just slipped is all. Don’t worry about it. Let’s go meet the others.” Phin took a moment to catch his breath, then followed his Angel friend into the school building.
It didn’t take them long to find their friends Cornelius and Lyle. They were at Cornelius’s locker. Right next to them were the four Demons from before.“Oh great, here we go again.” Aaron sighed as he and Phin watched the action from afar. As he expected, Lyle tried to hit on the pale-skinned girl, but struck out miserably. As she strode away with her friends, Aaron and Phin ventured closer.
“How bad was it this time?” Phin asked Cornelius. Before he could answer Lyle interrupted.
“She spoke to me! She actually spoke to me!”
“Uh-huh, and what did she say exactly?”
“She said Will you stop annoying me already?”
“Yeah, great progress there hot-shot. Maybe in six years you’ll actually find out her name.”
“I do know her name. It’s Lucy.”
Phin, Cornelius and Aaron exchanged glances.
“Well done. I’m sure she cares.” Cornelius responded.
“If you guys can stop talking about Lyle’s tragedy of a love-life for a moment, I have an announcement to make. My aunt’s moved into the region.” Phin said.
“Your aunt Margaret or your aunt Edna?”
“Aunt Edna.”
“Oh I remember her. Didn’t she and her daughter visit you over the holidays a few years back? She’s the one with the bratty daughter right?” Said Lyle as he opened his locker.
“Who’s got a bratty daughter?” An unfamiliar voice said behind him.
“Phin’s Aunt Edna. I remember her being mean, she kept pulling all of these horrible practical jokes on me all summer. I’m just glad I’ll never have to see her again.”
It took a while, but eventually the cogs in Lyle’s brain made the connection and he spun around. Standing before him was a female Demon with the same shade of red hair as Phin, but she had grown it long. She was wearing a green t-shirt and black jeans.
“Hi. I’m Jene, and I’m Phin’s cousin. Also, I think we’re in the same class.”
“Oh joy.” Lyle said as the school bell rang, along with his friends’ laughter.

Aaron took his seat for his first lesson, in the corner next to Lyle. Jene took the seat directly in front of him. Phin and Cornelius sat in the very back row behind them. Aaron leaned back to talk to Phin.
“So, are we still on for D&D at yours after school?”
“Yep, I’ve got a whole new campaign set out for your characters. It should take us until half-term easily.”
“What’s D&D?” Jene leaned over and asked.
“Dungeons and Devils. It’s a role-playing game. Hey, maybe you’d like to join us?”
“What? No way! I’m not having her mess up our games.” Lyle slammed his book down on his desk.
“Mr Menoir! I know we haven’t officially begun yet but could you at least pay attention?” The crotchety old teacher said.
“Sorry Miss.”
“That’s better.”
When the teacher’s attention was elsewhere Aaron leaned over to Lyle and asked, “What’s your problem? We’re practically crying out for new players and this one’s nice to look at.”
“Trust me; you don’t want her joining the group. She’ll ruin it for everybody.” Lyle replied.
“You two do realise I can hear you right?” Jene turned to face them while the teacher went on and on about respecting the bard to some poor girl in purple. “Don’t worry; I’ve grown up a lot since I last saw you. Although it looks like you haven’t grown up at all.”
Lyle fumed silently for the rest of the lesson.
Just as school was finishing Lyle and Aaron were sorting out their lockers when Kurt and one of his friends from earlier strolled up to them. Both Lyle and Aaron were dwarfed by the two bullies.
“Um, Hi Kurt. How’s everything going?” Asked Aaron.
“It’s going great. Trent and I were just thinking about the two of you.”
“Really? That’s nice.” Lyle tried to back away, but Trent had cut him off.
“Yeah, we been thinking about how you were annoying Lucy this morning. We’ve come to the conclusion that it’s up to us to solve your little problem for you.” Kurt placed his hand on Lyle’s shoulder.“Okay. Uhhh, what did you come up with?”
“This.” Kurt spun Lyle around and shoved him into his locker, closing the door after him.
“Hey! Let him out he’s claustrophobic!” Aaron tried to shove Kurt out of the way but Trent got him in a headlock.
“Oh really? Then maybe we should make sure he has some company? Lock him in the next one Trent.”
As Trent followed Kurt’s suggestion Phin and Cornelius arrived on the scene. They rushed up to them just as Trent locked the door.
“Oh look, it’s the other two losers. Do either of you have anything to say?” Kurt asked as he rattled against Lyle’s locker, its’ current occupant giving a small whimper as he did so.
Phin and Cornelius looked at each other, then ran away as fast as they could.

Several hours later Aaron slammed his body against the door for the umpteenth time, but it remained resolutely closed. He slumped against the back wall.
“Hey Lyle, how’re you holding up?”“I need to use the bathroom.”
“Well, just hold it until tomorrow alright? Maybe you should try and get some sleep?”
“I-I can’t sleep. The walls will close in on me. I-I can’t stand it!”
“Just stay focused alright? Try imagining that you’re in the desert.”
A few minutes passed in silence.“Aaron?”
“Yeah Lyle?”
“Thanks.”
“For what?”
“Sticking up for me.”
“That’s what friends are for.”
“Thanks anyway.”

The sun went down and came up again. Lyle and Aaron were woken by the sound of the tannoy system. They frantically began pounding against the doors.
Lucy was just about to open her locker when the pounding started. She glanced at her friends, who just winked at each other and walked over to the lockers. Simultaneously they unlocked them and swung the doors open, letting the two captives fall out.
“Ewwwww, this one wet himself!” Trent said as he covered his nose. Lyle looked up to see everybody staring at him. They all scrunched up their noses and began laughing at him.
Covering his face Lyle got up and ran out of the school doors.
“What a loser.” Lucy said as the school bell rang.

The Hauntsman

Have you ever seen a character so cool that you've just had to write a short story about the guy? Well, I have He's called the Hauntsman, and you can have a look at him over here.
http://www.virtualunknowns.com/view_post.php?id=35



Charlie slammed his apartment door closed. His day hadn’t exactly gone as he had planned. He chucked his money onto his kitchen counter angrily.
“Dammit!” Charlie cursed angrily under his breath as he retrieved the rest of his secret stash. He tucked his pistol into his belt as he did so. He left the kitchen and walked through the main room. Rain pattered against the window. As he glanced towards it thunder cracked outside. The flash of light was simultaneous, and for a split-second Charlie could have sworn he had seen a silhouette at the window. He shook his head, putting it down to his frayed nerves.
He wiped sweat from his brow as he looked in the bathroom mirror. His face was clean-shaven, with short hair. Nothing about him was memorable, but it did seem trustworthy. It was his eyes, looking into them even he could be fooled into trusting them, even despite the blood, mud and sweat that was spattered all over his features. Charlie quickly washed his face. As he checked his reflection in the mirror he nearly jumped out of his skin.
A man was standing directly behind him. His cloak and wide hat cloaked his face, but Charlie could tell he was deathly pale. Charlie reacted instantly, drawing his gun and spinning round with trained speed. Before he fired though, the cloaked man had vanished.
“Get a grip man, you’re coming apart at the seams,” Charlie muttered to himself, “You don’t have time for this.”
Charlie went to his bedroom and started packing. He didn’t take any time about it, throwing whatever clothes he could grab into his suitcase.
‘Knock knock’ came from the door. Charlie’s hand shot to his pistol once more, and he kept it there as he quietly approached.
“Who is it?”
“It’s Mardukas, I’m here for the rent you owe,” replied a booming voice. Charlie relaxed as he undid the latch.
“$300 right?”
“Yep. You got it?”
“Right here, hold up a sec.” Charlie took the money out of his wallet and handed it through the letterbox.
“You okay in there? You sound jumpy.”
“Just been a bad day alright?”
“Yeah whatever, just pay up on time next month.”
Charlie waited by the door until he heard the footsteps recede. He didn’t plan on still being here next month. After one last check, he picked up his suitcase and made for the door. Just as he reached for it thunder cracked once more and an unnatural chill went up Charlie’s spine. Steeling himself once more, Charlie opened the door.
“Hello Charlie.”
It was him. The man from the mirror. His clothes were as deathly white as his skin and his voice sounded like gravel. Charlie drew his pistol but the intruder was faster. Charlie stared in shock at the remaining half of his gun. The intruder sheathed his sword and said “Now that won’t do, we wouldn’t want to alert the neighbours would we?”
“Wh-who are you?” Charlie stammered as he stumbled backwards.
“I have been referred to as an angel. I have been referred to as a devil. I have been referred to as a ghost, an apparition and as a monster. You may call me the Hauntsman. I am drawn to your guilt Charlie. You have done many bad things. I am here to find out what haunts you so.”
The Hauntsman stepped into Charlie’s apartment, closing the door behind him. Sweat formed once again on Charlie’s head as panic gripped him.
“Tell me Charlie.”
“It wasn’t my fault! It was an accident I swear!”
“Tell me!”
“I didn’t mean it!”
“TELL ME!”
Charlie’s face drained of blood until it was nearly as white as that of the man towering over him.
“Okay I’ll tell you. I’m a drug dealer. I make my living selling drugs to pathetic losers. It was just a normal sale, but the guy I was selling too was wired. The cops had gotten to him. When I found out, I shot him and ran. I stole a car and floored it.”
“That is not the source of your guilt.”
“It was while I was being chased. I turned a corner to avoid a stinger. I didn’t see her alright!?”
“Didn’t see who?”
“The girl! The next thing I knew a kid was bouncing off of the windscreen. I saw her face, I still see her face every time I close my eyes!” Tears were openly streaming down Charlie’s face.
“You have destroyed many lives Charlie. And yet you mourn over the destruction of just one? You are scum Charlie, and I am here to deliver justice.” The Hauntsman gripped Charlie’s shirt and lifted him bodily off the ground.
“I AM JUDGE AND JURY CHARLIE, AND I FIND YOU GUILTY AS CHARGED!” With no visible effort, the Hauntsman threw Charlie through the air. The window offered no resistance as Charlie hit it.

Police found no trace of an intruder and deemed it a suicide.

Amy-Chan. Her Life, Her Story. Part 2

Well, here it is. The second part to my epic novel, rewritten using a lot of energy drink and tea..... I mean, uh, concentration and preparation. Yeah. That's it.

Anywhoo, those of you who have read the original version of this may notice a few more subtle differences. If you don't like them, then please comment. If you do like them, then I implore you to comment.

On with the show.

It was a dark and stormy night. Thunder cracked as lightning struck the rod atop the local church. All throughout the small village people rushed home and closed their doors. There is a phrase to describe heavy rain, something along the lines of mad dogs and Englishmen being the only ones who would venture out, but this weather kept even them indoors.
Located on the outskirts of the village was an ancient mansion. Originally a medieval palace, it had been converted and redesigned so often throughout the years that only an expert would be able to decipher its’ myriad secret passages and rooms.
But this isn’t the time for that. This is the time to describe the taxi that pulled up outside it and the strange people it carried.
The driver jumped as thunder cracked once more.
“Blimey! I’d hate to be out in this. ‘Ere, you gonna be alright with that leg?”
“I assure you, I can manage perfectly well.” The Englishman said in his impeccable BBC English. What was visible of his face between his raincoat and his facemask was Caucasian, with a small nose and dull blue eyes. The young girl travelling with him revealed even less of her features.
“Well, do you want any help with your bags and stuff?”
“Oh, I’ve got that.” The girl replied.
“Alright then. That’s £15:68 please mate.”
While the Englishman searched his pockets for his wallet, the girl stepped out and made her way to the boot. As she unloaded she noticed movement out of the corner of her eye. Within less than a second she had spun around, crouched low and drawn three kunai from her pocket. What she saw made her stop and stare in bewilderment.
“Amy-chan! What’s taking so long?” Heartman yelled above the hammering of the rain on the taxi roof. He hobbled over on his crutches.
“A spaceship! I saw a spaceship! A UFO! A real-life UFO!”
“Amy-chan, there’s no such thing as a UFO. It was probably a weather balloon.”
“You didn’t even look.” Amy-chan frantically pointed to the sky, but when Heartman did turn around all he saw were clouds.
“There’s nothing there. UFOs are just supernatural pish-tosh.”
“This coming from the guy who battles Nazi Squirrels for a living?”
“Touche. Now are you going to carry the luggage or stand about in the rain all day?”
Amy-chan reluctantly grabbed the two suitcases and walked up the driveway towards the front door, glancing back towards where she had spotted the ship before entering her home.

The following morning the weather had brightened considerably. The sun was shining and not a cloud was in the sky. Naturally, with such wonderful weather, our two protagonists were staring at computer screens indoors. Heartman was conversing over a secure feed with Britain’s Minister for Defence. The Minister was delighted to hear that another Squirrel base had been destroyed and that Heartman had discovered the identity of one of their key players. He was less than delighted to hear of Heartman’s injury and subsequent need for recuperation time.
Amy-chan was sitting staring at her PC screen. It was turned off. She glanced first at her stack of computer games, then at her stack of anime DVDs and then finally at her shelves of manga.
“There’s nothing to do!” She screamed to the empty room. She stomped over to her bedroom window and opened the curtains to reveal acres upon acres of lush forest directly outside. She opened the window and jumped over to the nearest tree. With dexterity only available to someone who is half human/ half kitten she swung through the branches, away from the mansion.
Amy-chan bounced from tree to tree, stopping nearly a mile away from the mansion to pick apples from one of the trees. She found a sturdy branch and began munching on her find.
Suddenly a loud clanging sound echoed throughout the forest. Amy-chan slipped from her tree branch and landed headfirst in a bush behind her. She plucked leaves out of her hair as she clambered to her feet. The clanging sound picked up again, this time louder and accompanied by a high-pitched shouting. Amy-chan flicked her ears around to pick up the location of the ruckus, then she bounded away in its’ direction.
As she approached the source of the commotion, Amy-chan crouched low and peered through a convenient bush. What she saw made her gasp in astonishment.
It was the spaceship from the previous night. It was lying slightly embedded in the forest floor. A short green woman with very long, equally green dreadlocks was kicking and screaming next to it. Amy-chan, being the kind soul that she is, made her existence known to this alien creature.
She jumped on top of the alien and pinned her to the ground.
“Hi there! My name’s Amy-chan, what’s yours?”
“I am Princess Rhukdhuiosh of the Greater Yusyse Empire, now get off of me.” The alien said as she threw Amy-chan away from her. Amy-chan landed on her feet and bounded towards the spaceship.
“That’s nice. What’s wrong with your ship?”
“Get away from that! You, and all of this planets inhabitants, will become slaves in the service of the greatest empire in the history of this galaxy.”
“Good luck with that. Hey, what’s this bit for?” Amy-chan asked as she pulled something off of the side of the ship. It didn’t want to come off, but with a good whack she managed to dislodge it.
“I said don’t touch that! That’s very delicate!”
“It’s broken is what it is. Look, this bit’s all wonky. I’ll have it fixed in a jiffy for you though.” Amy-chan pulled a small hammer out of her pocket (One of many items she carries around with her, just in case they’re needed. She also carries a tape measure, a paperclip, five ounces of gunpowder and a packet of tic-tacs). Without hesitation she began hitting the wonky piece with vigour.
“It’s meant to be wonky! If you touch it with your backwards tools it could-”
The wonky piece exploded violently, propelling Amy-chan across the clearing and covering Rhukdhuiosh with a black, oily substance.
“-Do exactly that.” Rhukdhuiosh finished as she spat the substance out of her mouth.
“Hey, Wookdoosh, I have a question.” Amy-chan wiped the substance from her face as she walked towards the alien.
“WHAT? What do you want from me you strange, annoying creature? Obviously it has to be more important than what I want, because Psidomsh knows that I travelled over seventeen parsecs to this backwater stinkhole of a planet not to conquer it and reclaim my rightful heritage from my scheming uncle but to answer the inane questions of the first annoying brat of a creature I run into! So what? What is it?”
Amy-chan held up the wonky bit in one hand and pointed to it with the other, “Can I keep this?”
The alien princess, who had had her empire stolen from her, had travelled such a distance, had been stranded on earth and had been knocked out of the sky by lightning finally broke down and cried. Amy-chan dropped the wonky piece and began to fret. She wasn’t used to people crying, let alone aliens. She bent down next to the alien and gently placed her hand on her slender shoulder.
“Hey, chin up now. Since it’s my fault that you lost your space-thingammy I’ll take you back to my place and build you a new one. A better one. Then you can conquer the Earth like you’re supposed to. Okay?”
Rhukdhuiosh stopped crying long enough to nod and whisper a mumbled “Okay.”
Amy-chan gently lifted the alien in her arms. She was only four-foot five, and really skinny too, so she didn’t weigh much.
After ten minutes of determined walking Amy-chan stopped and asked, “You don’t happen to know the way out do you?”