Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Evil Diva: Dungeons and Devils. Part 1

Check the sidebar. The one to the left. Just below the photo of my ugly mug is a list of links. One of the websites on there is called Evil Diva, and it's a webcomic by Pete Menotti, Brinson Theime and Honoel A. Ibardolaza. I would really recommend reading it. What follows is a fanfiction I have written.

I want to make it extremely clear that this is only part 1. Part 2 will be posted either Friday or next Wednesday, I'm not yet sure which.

It was a sunny day at St. Swithern’s School. In fact, a good many of the students considered it too sunny as they shielded their eyes against glare. When the school bus pulled up a young blond Angel wearing a white shirt and black trousers named Aaron was lazily re-reading his maths study guide on the school steps. He scooted aside so that the students could move past him.
Just as the last students made their ways through the school doors someone snatched his book out of his hand.
“Hey look, the little loner’s studying. Isn’t that cute?” The orange-haired Demon wearing a green trench coat said to his friends.
“It’s none of your business Kurt.” As he reached out to snatch it back Aaron lost his footing and slipped. He landed heavily on the pavement, his books spilling out of his backpack.
The four Demons at the top of the stairs laughed at this misfortune. As Aaron picked himself up, Kurt threw the book at his head, hard.
“Come on guys, this is getting boring now. Let’s go find someone else.” Kurt’s pale-skinned female friend said. Aaron picked himself up as another Demon, this one with dark red hair and half-rim glasses came running up to the school.
“Sorry I’m late. My brother deactivated my alarm clock so I missed the bus and had to run here. What happened to you?”
“Nothing Phin, I just slipped is all. Don’t worry about it. Let’s go meet the others.” Phin took a moment to catch his breath, then followed his Angel friend into the school building.
It didn’t take them long to find their friends Cornelius and Lyle. They were at Cornelius’s locker. Right next to them were the four Demons from before.“Oh great, here we go again.” Aaron sighed as he and Phin watched the action from afar. As he expected, Lyle tried to hit on the pale-skinned girl, but struck out miserably. As she strode away with her friends, Aaron and Phin ventured closer.
“How bad was it this time?” Phin asked Cornelius. Before he could answer Lyle interrupted.
“She spoke to me! She actually spoke to me!”
“Uh-huh, and what did she say exactly?”
“She said Will you stop annoying me already?”
“Yeah, great progress there hot-shot. Maybe in six years you’ll actually find out her name.”
“I do know her name. It’s Lucy.”
Phin, Cornelius and Aaron exchanged glances.
“Well done. I’m sure she cares.” Cornelius responded.
“If you guys can stop talking about Lyle’s tragedy of a love-life for a moment, I have an announcement to make. My aunt’s moved into the region.” Phin said.
“Your aunt Margaret or your aunt Edna?”
“Aunt Edna.”
“Oh I remember her. Didn’t she and her daughter visit you over the holidays a few years back? She’s the one with the bratty daughter right?” Said Lyle as he opened his locker.
“Who’s got a bratty daughter?” An unfamiliar voice said behind him.
“Phin’s Aunt Edna. I remember her being mean, she kept pulling all of these horrible practical jokes on me all summer. I’m just glad I’ll never have to see her again.”
It took a while, but eventually the cogs in Lyle’s brain made the connection and he spun around. Standing before him was a female Demon with the same shade of red hair as Phin, but she had grown it long. She was wearing a green t-shirt and black jeans.
“Hi. I’m Jene, and I’m Phin’s cousin. Also, I think we’re in the same class.”
“Oh joy.” Lyle said as the school bell rang, along with his friends’ laughter.

Aaron took his seat for his first lesson, in the corner next to Lyle. Jene took the seat directly in front of him. Phin and Cornelius sat in the very back row behind them. Aaron leaned back to talk to Phin.
“So, are we still on for D&D at yours after school?”
“Yep, I’ve got a whole new campaign set out for your characters. It should take us until half-term easily.”
“What’s D&D?” Jene leaned over and asked.
“Dungeons and Devils. It’s a role-playing game. Hey, maybe you’d like to join us?”
“What? No way! I’m not having her mess up our games.” Lyle slammed his book down on his desk.
“Mr Menoir! I know we haven’t officially begun yet but could you at least pay attention?” The crotchety old teacher said.
“Sorry Miss.”
“That’s better.”
When the teacher’s attention was elsewhere Aaron leaned over to Lyle and asked, “What’s your problem? We’re practically crying out for new players and this one’s nice to look at.”
“Trust me; you don’t want her joining the group. She’ll ruin it for everybody.” Lyle replied.
“You two do realise I can hear you right?” Jene turned to face them while the teacher went on and on about respecting the bard to some poor girl in purple. “Don’t worry; I’ve grown up a lot since I last saw you. Although it looks like you haven’t grown up at all.”
Lyle fumed silently for the rest of the lesson.
Just as school was finishing Lyle and Aaron were sorting out their lockers when Kurt and one of his friends from earlier strolled up to them. Both Lyle and Aaron were dwarfed by the two bullies.
“Um, Hi Kurt. How’s everything going?” Asked Aaron.
“It’s going great. Trent and I were just thinking about the two of you.”
“Really? That’s nice.” Lyle tried to back away, but Trent had cut him off.
“Yeah, we been thinking about how you were annoying Lucy this morning. We’ve come to the conclusion that it’s up to us to solve your little problem for you.” Kurt placed his hand on Lyle’s shoulder.“Okay. Uhhh, what did you come up with?”
“This.” Kurt spun Lyle around and shoved him into his locker, closing the door after him.
“Hey! Let him out he’s claustrophobic!” Aaron tried to shove Kurt out of the way but Trent got him in a headlock.
“Oh really? Then maybe we should make sure he has some company? Lock him in the next one Trent.”
As Trent followed Kurt’s suggestion Phin and Cornelius arrived on the scene. They rushed up to them just as Trent locked the door.
“Oh look, it’s the other two losers. Do either of you have anything to say?” Kurt asked as he rattled against Lyle’s locker, its’ current occupant giving a small whimper as he did so.
Phin and Cornelius looked at each other, then ran away as fast as they could.

Several hours later Aaron slammed his body against the door for the umpteenth time, but it remained resolutely closed. He slumped against the back wall.
“Hey Lyle, how’re you holding up?”“I need to use the bathroom.”
“Well, just hold it until tomorrow alright? Maybe you should try and get some sleep?”
“I-I can’t sleep. The walls will close in on me. I-I can’t stand it!”
“Just stay focused alright? Try imagining that you’re in the desert.”
A few minutes passed in silence.“Aaron?”
“Yeah Lyle?”
“For what?”
“Sticking up for me.”
“That’s what friends are for.”
“Thanks anyway.”

The sun went down and came up again. Lyle and Aaron were woken by the sound of the tannoy system. They frantically began pounding against the doors.
Lucy was just about to open her locker when the pounding started. She glanced at her friends, who just winked at each other and walked over to the lockers. Simultaneously they unlocked them and swung the doors open, letting the two captives fall out.
“Ewwwww, this one wet himself!” Trent said as he covered his nose. Lyle looked up to see everybody staring at him. They all scrunched up their noses and began laughing at him.
Covering his face Lyle got up and ran out of the school doors.
“What a loser.” Lucy said as the school bell rang.

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

The Hauntsman

Have you ever seen a character so cool that you've just had to write a short story about the guy? Well, I have He's called the Hauntsman, and you can have a look at him over here.

Charlie slammed his apartment door closed. His day hadn’t exactly gone as he had planned. He chucked his money onto his kitchen counter angrily.
“Dammit!” Charlie cursed angrily under his breath as he retrieved the rest of his secret stash. He tucked his pistol into his belt as he did so. He left the kitchen and walked through the main room. Rain pattered against the window. As he glanced towards it thunder cracked outside. The flash of light was simultaneous, and for a split-second Charlie could have sworn he had seen a silhouette at the window. He shook his head, putting it down to his frayed nerves.
He wiped sweat from his brow as he looked in the bathroom mirror. His face was clean-shaven, with short hair. Nothing about him was memorable, but it did seem trustworthy. It was his eyes, looking into them even he could be fooled into trusting them, even despite the blood, mud and sweat that was spattered all over his features. Charlie quickly washed his face. As he checked his reflection in the mirror he nearly jumped out of his skin.
A man was standing directly behind him. His cloak and wide hat cloaked his face, but Charlie could tell he was deathly pale. Charlie reacted instantly, drawing his gun and spinning round with trained speed. Before he fired though, the cloaked man had vanished.
“Get a grip man, you’re coming apart at the seams,” Charlie muttered to himself, “You don’t have time for this.”
Charlie went to his bedroom and started packing. He didn’t take any time about it, throwing whatever clothes he could grab into his suitcase.
‘Knock knock’ came from the door. Charlie’s hand shot to his pistol once more, and he kept it there as he quietly approached.
“Who is it?”
“It’s Mardukas, I’m here for the rent you owe,” replied a booming voice. Charlie relaxed as he undid the latch.
“$300 right?”
“Yep. You got it?”
“Right here, hold up a sec.” Charlie took the money out of his wallet and handed it through the letterbox.
“You okay in there? You sound jumpy.”
“Just been a bad day alright?”
“Yeah whatever, just pay up on time next month.”
Charlie waited by the door until he heard the footsteps recede. He didn’t plan on still being here next month. After one last check, he picked up his suitcase and made for the door. Just as he reached for it thunder cracked once more and an unnatural chill went up Charlie’s spine. Steeling himself once more, Charlie opened the door.
“Hello Charlie.”
It was him. The man from the mirror. His clothes were as deathly white as his skin and his voice sounded like gravel. Charlie drew his pistol but the intruder was faster. Charlie stared in shock at the remaining half of his gun. The intruder sheathed his sword and said “Now that won’t do, we wouldn’t want to alert the neighbours would we?”
“Wh-who are you?” Charlie stammered as he stumbled backwards.
“I have been referred to as an angel. I have been referred to as a devil. I have been referred to as a ghost, an apparition and as a monster. You may call me the Hauntsman. I am drawn to your guilt Charlie. You have done many bad things. I am here to find out what haunts you so.”
The Hauntsman stepped into Charlie’s apartment, closing the door behind him. Sweat formed once again on Charlie’s head as panic gripped him.
“Tell me Charlie.”
“It wasn’t my fault! It was an accident I swear!”
“Tell me!”
“I didn’t mean it!”
Charlie’s face drained of blood until it was nearly as white as that of the man towering over him.
“Okay I’ll tell you. I’m a drug dealer. I make my living selling drugs to pathetic losers. It was just a normal sale, but the guy I was selling too was wired. The cops had gotten to him. When I found out, I shot him and ran. I stole a car and floored it.”
“That is not the source of your guilt.”
“It was while I was being chased. I turned a corner to avoid a stinger. I didn’t see her alright!?”
“Didn’t see who?”
“The girl! The next thing I knew a kid was bouncing off of the windscreen. I saw her face, I still see her face every time I close my eyes!” Tears were openly streaming down Charlie’s face.
“You have destroyed many lives Charlie. And yet you mourn over the destruction of just one? You are scum Charlie, and I am here to deliver justice.” The Hauntsman gripped Charlie’s shirt and lifted him bodily off the ground.
“I AM JUDGE AND JURY CHARLIE, AND I FIND YOU GUILTY AS CHARGED!” With no visible effort, the Hauntsman threw Charlie through the air. The window offered no resistance as Charlie hit it.

Police found no trace of an intruder and deemed it a suicide.

Monday, 13 April 2009

Amy-Chan. Her Life, Her Story. Part 2

Well, here it is. The second part to my epic novel, rewritten using a lot of energy drink and tea..... I mean, uh, concentration and preparation. Yeah. That's it.

Anywhoo, those of you who have read the original version of this may notice a few more subtle differences. If you don't like them, then please comment. If you do like them, then I implore you to comment.

On with the show.

It was a dark and stormy night. Thunder cracked as lightning struck the rod atop the local church. All throughout the small village people rushed home and closed their doors. There is a phrase to describe heavy rain, something along the lines of mad dogs and Englishmen being the only ones who would venture out, but this weather kept even them indoors.
Located on the outskirts of the village was an ancient mansion. Originally a medieval palace, it had been converted and redesigned so often throughout the years that only an expert would be able to decipher its’ myriad secret passages and rooms.
But this isn’t the time for that. This is the time to describe the taxi that pulled up outside it and the strange people it carried.
The driver jumped as thunder cracked once more.
“Blimey! I’d hate to be out in this. ‘Ere, you gonna be alright with that leg?”
“I assure you, I can manage perfectly well.” The Englishman said in his impeccable BBC English. What was visible of his face between his raincoat and his facemask was Caucasian, with a small nose and dull blue eyes. The young girl travelling with him revealed even less of her features.
“Well, do you want any help with your bags and stuff?”
“Oh, I’ve got that.” The girl replied.
“Alright then. That’s £15:68 please mate.”
While the Englishman searched his pockets for his wallet, the girl stepped out and made her way to the boot. As she unloaded she noticed movement out of the corner of her eye. Within less than a second she had spun around, crouched low and drawn three kunai from her pocket. What she saw made her stop and stare in bewilderment.
“Amy-chan! What’s taking so long?” Heartman yelled above the hammering of the rain on the taxi roof. He hobbled over on his crutches.
“A spaceship! I saw a spaceship! A UFO! A real-life UFO!”
“Amy-chan, there’s no such thing as a UFO. It was probably a weather balloon.”
“You didn’t even look.” Amy-chan frantically pointed to the sky, but when Heartman did turn around all he saw were clouds.
“There’s nothing there. UFOs are just supernatural pish-tosh.”
“This coming from the guy who battles Nazi Squirrels for a living?”
“Touche. Now are you going to carry the luggage or stand about in the rain all day?”
Amy-chan reluctantly grabbed the two suitcases and walked up the driveway towards the front door, glancing back towards where she had spotted the ship before entering her home.

The following morning the weather had brightened considerably. The sun was shining and not a cloud was in the sky. Naturally, with such wonderful weather, our two protagonists were staring at computer screens indoors. Heartman was conversing over a secure feed with Britain’s Minister for Defence. The Minister was delighted to hear that another Squirrel base had been destroyed and that Heartman had discovered the identity of one of their key players. He was less than delighted to hear of Heartman’s injury and subsequent need for recuperation time.
Amy-chan was sitting staring at her PC screen. It was turned off. She glanced first at her stack of computer games, then at her stack of anime DVDs and then finally at her shelves of manga.
“There’s nothing to do!” She screamed to the empty room. She stomped over to her bedroom window and opened the curtains to reveal acres upon acres of lush forest directly outside. She opened the window and jumped over to the nearest tree. With dexterity only available to someone who is half human/ half kitten she swung through the branches, away from the mansion.
Amy-chan bounced from tree to tree, stopping nearly a mile away from the mansion to pick apples from one of the trees. She found a sturdy branch and began munching on her find.
Suddenly a loud clanging sound echoed throughout the forest. Amy-chan slipped from her tree branch and landed headfirst in a bush behind her. She plucked leaves out of her hair as she clambered to her feet. The clanging sound picked up again, this time louder and accompanied by a high-pitched shouting. Amy-chan flicked her ears around to pick up the location of the ruckus, then she bounded away in its’ direction.
As she approached the source of the commotion, Amy-chan crouched low and peered through a convenient bush. What she saw made her gasp in astonishment.
It was the spaceship from the previous night. It was lying slightly embedded in the forest floor. A short green woman with very long, equally green dreadlocks was kicking and screaming next to it. Amy-chan, being the kind soul that she is, made her existence known to this alien creature.
She jumped on top of the alien and pinned her to the ground.
“Hi there! My name’s Amy-chan, what’s yours?”
“I am Princess Rhukdhuiosh of the Greater Yusyse Empire, now get off of me.” The alien said as she threw Amy-chan away from her. Amy-chan landed on her feet and bounded towards the spaceship.
“That’s nice. What’s wrong with your ship?”
“Get away from that! You, and all of this planets inhabitants, will become slaves in the service of the greatest empire in the history of this galaxy.”
“Good luck with that. Hey, what’s this bit for?” Amy-chan asked as she pulled something off of the side of the ship. It didn’t want to come off, but with a good whack she managed to dislodge it.
“I said don’t touch that! That’s very delicate!”
“It’s broken is what it is. Look, this bit’s all wonky. I’ll have it fixed in a jiffy for you though.” Amy-chan pulled a small hammer out of her pocket (One of many items she carries around with her, just in case they’re needed. She also carries a tape measure, a paperclip, five ounces of gunpowder and a packet of tic-tacs). Without hesitation she began hitting the wonky piece with vigour.
“It’s meant to be wonky! If you touch it with your backwards tools it could-”
The wonky piece exploded violently, propelling Amy-chan across the clearing and covering Rhukdhuiosh with a black, oily substance.
“-Do exactly that.” Rhukdhuiosh finished as she spat the substance out of her mouth.
“Hey, Wookdoosh, I have a question.” Amy-chan wiped the substance from her face as she walked towards the alien.
“WHAT? What do you want from me you strange, annoying creature? Obviously it has to be more important than what I want, because Psidomsh knows that I travelled over seventeen parsecs to this backwater stinkhole of a planet not to conquer it and reclaim my rightful heritage from my scheming uncle but to answer the inane questions of the first annoying brat of a creature I run into! So what? What is it?”
Amy-chan held up the wonky bit in one hand and pointed to it with the other, “Can I keep this?”
The alien princess, who had had her empire stolen from her, had travelled such a distance, had been stranded on earth and had been knocked out of the sky by lightning finally broke down and cried. Amy-chan dropped the wonky piece and began to fret. She wasn’t used to people crying, let alone aliens. She bent down next to the alien and gently placed her hand on her slender shoulder.
“Hey, chin up now. Since it’s my fault that you lost your space-thingammy I’ll take you back to my place and build you a new one. A better one. Then you can conquer the Earth like you’re supposed to. Okay?”
Rhukdhuiosh stopped crying long enough to nod and whisper a mumbled “Okay.”
Amy-chan gently lifted the alien in her arms. She was only four-foot five, and really skinny too, so she didn’t weigh much.
After ten minutes of determined walking Amy-chan stopped and asked, “You don’t happen to know the way out do you?”

Saturday, 11 April 2009

Character Profile: Amy-Chan

Name: Amy-Chan (Real name unknown)

Age: She appears to be 16, but exact age is unknown.

Race: Cat-Girl

General Description: Pretty much as shown, although her outfit changes constantly.

Personality: Amy-chan is eternally optimistic with boundless amounts of energy. Although she acts ditzy most of the time, she is actually highly intelligent. She does have a tendency to lose interest in things quickly.

Special talents: Has been trained in ninjutsu by Heartman. A good shot with a gun. An inventor.

Flaws: Inability to remain focused. Will often forget what she's been told to do.

Anything else you think is important: As far as she knows, she was created in a secret laboratory a little over two years ago. She also has a strange power within her which she cannot control.

Nine-Chan Over The Rainbow

I must apologise for not updating either last wednesday or friday, but due to circumstances beyond my control the copper phone lines got stolen.... Again. For some reason BT just keep putting up more copper when instead they could use fibre-optics and avoid the whole repeatedly stolen problem altogether.Oh well.

What I've got today is an old clanfic, created over a year ago shortly before the MLC moved to their current location. I've noticed that it doesn't exist anywhere on the net at the moment, so I'm uploading it here.

“You working late again Nine-chan?” Zedr asked as he opened the MLC office door.
“Sorry. I’m kind of still learning the ropes here and everyone calls you Nine-chan so I assumed that was your name.” He defended himself.
“Sorry. I’m just a little stressed. I’ve been appearing in a few clan-fics and I haven’t used my fan of resurrection in any of them.”
“Well don’t work too long then. See you tomorrow.”
“Bye.” Nine-chan got back to work as her last vestiges of company left. Being the workaholic she is, Nine-chan continued working well into the night, completely ignoring Zedr’s request. Just as she was nearing the end of her tremendous workload all of the lights went out in the building.
“What the? All of the lights just went out.” She said, not noticing the narration. She got up and walked over to the window. Imagine her surprise when she saw that she was being carried off in a tornado. She thought she saw MXSkai flying past whilst cackling on a broomstick. Naturally she began frothing at the mouth and fainted in an only-slightly gibbering heap.

Upon her awakening the lighting was still off, but at least it was now daytime. She clambered down the stairs to the bottom of the office block, secretly wishing somebody would install a slide or something instead and finally emerged into the bright day. The weather was perfect. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the munchkins were dancing. Once she realised she was staring at munchkins she promptly fainted again.
“Where am I?” She asked after water had been poured on her face.
“The wonderful land of Oz. Or at least, the now-and-forever-more wonderful land of Oz. For you see, your arrival has vanquished our most hated oppressor, the Wicked Witch of the West.” Ginkazeryuu replied. It didn’t register in Nine-chan’s brain that Ginkazeryuu had suddenly become a munchkin, only that somebody had died. Bowing to the inevitable, Nine-chan glanced back at the building. Sticking out from where it had landed were MXSkai’s feet, which were wearing bright red ninja shoes. Nine-chan faintly recalled that ninja-shoes do have a specific name, but she was unable to check Wikipedia to find out what it was.
Once she had refocused on her situation she noticed that the feet had vanished, leaving only the shoes. Remembering that she had kicked her own shoes off during work the previous day she immediately put them on her own feet. They fit perfectly.
“You know I’m sure it’s immoral to steal the shoes from the dead.” Ginkazeryuu mentioned. Nine-chan’s eyes grew wide with the realisation of what was going on.
“Am I in another clan-fic again? No way! I am not doing another clan-fic! Who’s writing this one then? Calamari? Grinzor? Zedr? Whoever it is can just forget it! I’m not doing it! I’m leaving.” Nine-chan attempted to storm off in a huff but was prevented by several cheering munchkins. After whacking a few of them upside the head with a giant fan they made room for her. Just as she reached the outskirts of the munchkin city she stopped. She had no idea how to leave a clan-fic. Luckily for her a bright white light appeared unto her. Before she could argue with the archaic term the light transformed in the most cheesy anime-magical-girl transformation way possible. Suddenly Calamari was standing there dressed all in white.
“Not another one.” Nine-chan groaned.
“I am the Good Witch of the South. I have come here to reward you for defeating the Wicked Witch.” Calamari said in a voice so soft it was practically a whisper.
“If you’re so good, why didn’t you destroy her then?”
“Uh, well, because.” Calamari backed away in slight embarrassment. “Because she was just as powerful as I and intelligent too.”
“Obviously not intelligent enough to dodge a flying building.” Nine-chan rolled her eyes.
“Well anyway, I shall give you information that shall aid in your greatest wish.” Calamari practically whispered again.
“I just want to go home. I don’t want any wish because it’ll just lead to more craziness and fuel this clan-fic.”
“Very well. In order for you to go home, you must speak with the Wizard of Oz.”
“Why does that name sound familiar?” Nine-chan mused to herself having never seen the movie (Nor read the book it seems). “Fine. Where is this Wizard of yours?”
“To find him you must follow the yellow bricked road.” Calamari pointed towards Nine-chan’s feet. Nine-chan jumped in slight shock when she noticed that the road she had been standing on was practically luminescent. “Apparently the munchkins really like to keep their roads clean. Follow it and you will come to the Emerald City. Inside lives the Wizard.” With that Calamari faded away until she had completely vanished.
“Did you just teleport? Why didn’t she just teleport me to this city? Great.” Nine-chan huffed to herself then she set out along the road.
After a few hours of walking, she arrived at a crossroads next to a field. The yellow road (Which was just as bright as before) split into three paths. There was no signpost.
“Typical. Follow the yellow bricked road huh? No mention of a crossroads. Silly old bat of a squid! Who’s that?” Nine-chan stared into a nearby field. She could just make out what appeared to be a person hidden among the wheat. “Maybe that person can help.” Nine-chan muttered as she set off.
“Excuse me but I need some directions.” Nine-chan asked once she was close enough.
“If you need directions then I’m your man. I can point you in any direction you like, long as you turn me to face it first.” A voice that sounded like Dick-Van-Dyke called back. Nine-chan parted the wheat and gazed up at the scarecrow.
“Oh great, we’ve got a talking scarecrow now. And it looks like MrGBH. Can this story get any worse?” Nine-chan sighed to herself whilst a crow sat on the Scarecrow/MrGBH’s head.
“Oh now don’t be like that. I’m sure everything will be perfectly fine if you persevere. But then, what would I know, I’m just a brainless scarecrow. What was it you were after again my dear?”
“I seriously think I’m going to kill whoever is writing this.” Nine-chan muttered, not realising who’s fiction she was in.
“Directions if I recall.” MrGBH continued on oblivious to Nine-chan’s evil glares. “Directions all depend on where you’re going of course. If you want to go to the pumpkin patch then directions to the Emerald City wont be of much help now will they? Unless someone there would know the way, but I highly doubt that because the pumpkin patch is far off to the north while the Emerald City is just in the other field over there. Or was it the other way around?”
“If I cut you down will you please stop talking?”
“Possibly. You’d have to cut me down to find out though. I may keep babbling. It’s generally what I do, since the crows don’t contribute much to conversations now do they?” MrGBH asked the crow sitting on his outstretched arm. He was about to begin talking when Nine-chan knocked his head off with her fan. He stayed quiet for a while until Nine-chan had finished cutting his body down and she reattached his head.
“Can you just be quiet and give me directions to the Emerald City?” Nine-chan asked through gritted teeth.
“Oh sure. It’s just north of here. Along this path if I’m not mistaken, but then I’ve no brain so I could be mistaken. It’s what happens when you don’t have a brain you know.” MrGBH quickly found he was talking to thin air since Nine-chan had long since stormed off towards the path.
“Hey! Wait up! I’m coming too! I need to find me a brain. Wait up!” MrGBH waved frantically as he followed Nine-chan along the northern road.

After yet more walking the pair of travellers (Who hadn’t broken into song once) came upon some woods. A little way inside these woods was a log cabin, just beside the road. Curious and slightly hungry Nine-chan decided to enter it. There was nobody home, so she promptly opened all of his cupboards and ate all of the food she could find. What she didn’t eat she stole. Nine-chan explained to MrGBH that everybody does it, just look at any RPG game and the evidence speaks for itself.
They wandered out back and came across what looked like a statue of a dwarf wielding a large hammer. What made it strange was that the statue was made out of tin rather than the dwarfs preferred stone. Nine-chan hesitantly touched the statue.
“Geg ge gum goil.” It said.
Once Nine-chan had gotten over the shock of meeting a talking dwarf statue she spotted a small can of oil on a table nearby.
“Oh, it wants some oil. Stupid idiot must have rusted when it rained.” She picked up the oil and squeezed some into the joints of the tin-man/Grinzor.
“Ah, thank ye fer tha’ ma’am. Ye be a life saver fer shoor!” The metallic dwarf winked at her.
“What the hell did he just say?” Nine-chan whispered into MrGBH’s ear.
“I don’t have the foggiest. I only speak the Queen’s English, not gibberish. What I want to know is what he’s doing chopping wood with a hammer. Seems awfully daft to me and I’ve got no brain to speak of.” MrGBH replied, completely forgetting to whisper.
“Ye no’ go’ a bren? Ye cannae be goin’ ‘round wi’ou’ a bren ye daftie. How d’ye talk then?” Grinzor asked in heavy dwarfish.
“I understood that last bit. And may I respond by asking how do you speak with a metallic tongue? It’s not like it would be any good for making many sounds would it?” MrGBH leaned down to stare the dwarf fully in the face. Just as the two were about to come to blows Nine-chan whacked them both upside the head with her fan. After reattaching both heads she made them promise not to fight each other.
“Now come on. I don’t want to be stuck in this terrible clan-fic any longer than I have to.” She said and began storming off once more.
“Wha’s a clan-fic then ma’ie?”
“I’m not quite sure, but she seems utterly convinced that she’s in one. May I suggest we humour her until she comes to her senses?”
“Aye shoor. We humour th’ bonnie lass fer a wee whil’.”
And with that, the two men followed Nine-chan down that strangely bright yellow bricked road.

Meanwhile, far to the east and in a dark room, the Wicked Witch of the East was muttering to herself in the manner of all wicked witches.
“Now then, a little tiger’s blood and a dragon tooth aught to do it. Aha, I’ve done it.” Airichan hopped about with glee over her bubbling brew.
“What do you have there mistress? Is it a potion to shrink your foes down to an edible size? A brew to make them lose all of their strength? An elixir that turns normal poppies into poppies of sleeping?” Her winged henchman asked.
“What? What are you talking about Zedr? This is my lunch. But talking of enemies, I really think I should be doing something about that Dorothy girl who killed my sister.” Airichan stalked over to a darkly decorative full length mirror.
“I think her name’s Nine-chan actually. And since when was MXSkai your sister?”
“Be quiet! I don’t pay you to question me!” Airichan snapped as she waved her hands in front of the mirror.
“You don’t pay me at all. And you know you don’t have to bother with all of that hand waving stuff. Aerix will tell you anything you want if you just simply ask.” Zedr replied dejectedly from next to the pot.
“Shut up. I want to do all of this properly. And don’t touch my lunch!” Airichan called over her shoulder. “Oh great Mirror of Majicks, show me what I wish to see! Great Aerix, first of Daemons that is trapped in the Mirror, lend me your All-seeing eye!” Airichan smashed a small bottle on the ground in front of the mirror. When the smoke cleared she could clearly see the Great Daemon Lord Aerix picking his nose and wiping it against the inside of the mirror.
“Wha’d’ya want this time?”
“You know, living in a mirror for a million years has turned you into a right slob mate.” Zedr called from his hiding position behind Airichan’s soup bowl.
“Yeah well, it’s not like I have to bother cleaning it. That’s what glass cleaner’s for.”
“You mean that bottle Airichan smashed on the ground just then?”
“Will you two stop talking so I can ask the bleeding question already?” Airichan roared, obviously frustrated at being the only sane character besides Nine-chan in this entire fiction. “Now, where was I? Oh yes. Great Daemon Lord Aerix, please lend me your All-seeing eye so that I can avenge my sister. Where is the one named Dorothy?”
Aerix’s voice positively dripped sarcasm as he leaned against the mirror-frame. “At home watching Family Guy with her grand-kids I suspect. This movie was done a very long time ago. The one you want is Nine-chan and she’s in the Annoyingly-Evergreen woods right now. She’s really not hard to find. You know, what with the whole follow the yellow bricked road thing and all.”
“Fine. Let’s do away with her and get this over with.” Zedr straightened his waistcoat and hopped onto the window, ready to fly away.
“Wait a second. I’m supposed to tell you to go do that!” Airichan chased after her diminutive henchman.
“But we’re short on time as it is. She’s in those woods right? That means she’ll have met the Tin-man and maybe even the Cowardly Lion already. If you watched the movie it was them who were the real fighters.” Zedr jumped out of the window and spread his wings.
“Fly my pretties! Fly!” Airichan screamed from her window.
“Bugger! I was really hoping to leave before she said that. At least I won’t have to listen to that insane laughter anymore.” Zedr muttered as he and his brethren flew away from the dark castle.

After yet more walking in silence (Nine-chan’s angry glares were enough to keep even MrGBH quiet) the trio of not-so-intrepid adventurers heard a scream.
“Tha’s no’a good soond.” Grinzor said as he readied his hammer.
“I concur.” MrGBH concurred.
“Somehow I have a feeling we’re going to meet yet another strange individual who wants to join our group.” Nine-chan muttered to herself. She was proven correct when a man-sized lioness ran screaming onto the road.
“Aaaaaaaghhhhhh!” Was what she said. She stopped when she saw the perplexed trio and ran over to them.
“Oh thank the Wizard you’re here.” The Cowardly Lioness/Shy0ne1 said as she hugged Nine-chan. “I was so afraid. There were these things and they were after me and they kept harassing me and I couldn’t get away from them.”
“Could you let me go please?” Nine-chan gasped.
“Oh right. Sorry. I was just so afraid.” Shy0ne1 played with her tail feverishly.
“Now then my dear lady lion, what was it you were running from?” MrGBH tilted his head in an inquisitive manner.
“Aye, we need ta kno’ so we can gi’it a wee good wallopin’!” Grinzor swung his hammer around above his head.
“Oh they were these terrible winged creatures. I was just lazing about in my usual spot when they started attacking me for no reason.”
MrGBH’s head tilted further sideways. “So why didn’t you fight back then? You’re a lioness for goodness sakes. As everybody knows it’s always the lionesses that do the killings.”
“Ye claws an’ ye fangs augh’a do a good number on the nasties.”
“But I was so afraid.” Was Shy0ne1’s reply as she sucked on her tail. Everybody jumped when they heard a screeching from all around them.
“We found you! Now you’re coming with us.” A voice screeched at them. In a flash Zedr and the rest of the winged monkeys had the quartet surrounded. “Give up and be captured or we’ll tear you apart and capture you anyway.”
MrGBH stepped forward. “Hmmmmm. Let me ponder on that for a moment. We have a metal dwarf with a penchant for combat, a nun with a giant fan and a serious temper, a Lioness with sharp claws and a scarecrow who happens to also be a master ninja. I think we’ll take option number three. Charge!”
The four adventurers, who by now had started to garner some serious resentment for this lame story they were appearing in, fell upon the winged monkeys with a blood thirsty cry that would have made Atilla the Hun wet himself. Within the time it just took you to read this sentence the monkeys were all defeated except Zedr. He had been left alive purely because he was the only one who had been named.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen. Let me see the script!” Zedr demanded. MrGBH still had his copy on him since he couldn’t remember any of his lines so he lent Zedr his copy. “See? Right here it says that the flying monkeys win the fight and carry Nine-chan off to meet the Wicked Witch of the East. How am I supposed to achieve that now? I haven’t had proper training in lifting heavy objects.” The monkey demanded, to which Nine-chan smashed him upside the head with her fan.
“Who you calling a heavy object? I’ll have you know I’m the perfect weight for my height you little jerk!”
Shy0ne1 cowered behind MrGBH, “You’re one scary lady.” She said as Zedr lay on the road bleeding profusely from the head. Suddenly, behind him, a puff of smoke heralded the appearance of Airichan. The two men’s mouths gaped open.
“I thought the Wicked Witches were supposed to be hideous.” MrGBH exclaimed as he picked up his jaw. Airichan was wearing a sleek black dress in the oriental style beat-em-up characters are so fond of. It was split along both hems, showing her long legs and black high heels with lots of straps. Her skin was bright green without a hint of any warts and her long black hair reached her ankles. Her only resemblance to the witch of the movie was the large black hat she wore.
“Well, I am the Wicked Witch of the East. I need to follow the anime traditions of nothing but attractive characters.” She smirked over the black fan she was waving in front of her hair.
“Men!” Shy0ne1 and Nine-chan both grunted through gritted teeth. Nine-chan grabbed her own fan and swung it with all of her might towards Airichan but was stopped at the last moment by her pinky finger.
“Since we’ve thrown the script away, I guess it’s about time the bad guy won right?” She smirked her smirk as she used some insane martial arts move to throw Nine-chan away from her whilst simultaneously stealing the fan away. Shy0ne1 caught Nine-chan before she hit the ground.
“Hahahahahahaha! Finally, the bad guys actually get to win one for a change!” Airichan roared with joyous laughter.
“Not a bloody chance! I want to go back home already!” Nine-chan roared angrily as she threw a bucket of water over Airichan.
Airichan looked down at her ruined dress. “You’re paying for the dry cleaning bill you know.”
“Wait. You’re supposed to melt aren’t you? That’s what happens to all witches when they get hit by water. The evil ones at least.”
“Who said I was evil? The Wicked Witch of the East is just a title. You know, as in ‘She’s well wicked!’ And whatnot.”
“But the munchkins at the beginning of this story said you were an evil oppressor?” Nine-chan said. MrGBH, Grinzor and Shy0ne1 nodded with agreement, probably because they hadn’t been mentioned for quite a while.
It was now Airichan’s turn to be stunned. “You actually believed the first people you met? All we do is charge them rent for their land. We have to eat you know. So we rented out some of our estates to the munchkins to cover expenses.”
“But the Good Witch of the South said you were evil!” Nine-chan grasped at the last straw within grasping range.
“You mean the Good-for-nothing Witch of the South? All she ever does is sit in her house playing with dolls all day. Just because somebody says they’re the good guys doesn’t always mean they are. I’ll bet she even told you to go see the Wizard right? The old follow the yellowed brick road thing?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Come on, let’s go see him then.” Airichan waved Nine-chan’s golden fan of resurrection through the air and, once her henchmen had all been revived, teleported them all straight into the Wizard’s antechamber.
“What? Who dares enter my antechamber without first asking? I mean, I could have been in the shower or something.” The Wizardess/Mack replied.
Nine-chan stormed straight up to the curtain and wrenched it aside revealing the woman beyond. “Listen you, I want to go home and I want to go home now! So either you send me home or so help me I’ll find a way to make your life miserable.”
“Who are you and why are you asking me to do anything? Have you done anything for me? No! Now get lost, I was just reading a good book.” Mack shoved Nine-chan out of the small room and closed the curtain once more.
“See? That’s what happens when you blindly trust women who wear white. She’s always been trying to take over our lands. She’s my cousin see and now that MXSkai’s dead she’s also my next of kin. Trust me, she’d charge the munchkins far more than I would ever even dream of.” Airichan explained.
Nine-chan slumped onto a nearby sofa, “See? That’s why I don’t like being in a clan-fic. The stories always get messed up beyond reason. So when do I get to go home?”
“Whenever you want. Just tap your shoes together and say ‘I bloody hate clan-fics’ three times. What, the so-called-by-herself Good Witch didn’t tell you that?”
“I bloody hate clan-fics.” Nine-chan repeated the phrase like her own personal mantra until her shoes took her back to the MLC building where she awoke at her desk. She stared around at everybody there and made an important decision.
“I’m going to crucify the next person who uses me as a main character in their clan-fic.”

Ginkazeryuu was arrested for inciting people to violence and spent eighty-nine hours doing munchkin community service.

Calamari spent the next twenty years trying to kill Airichan for her land, but Airichan had given
Nine-chan’s golden fan of resurrection to Zedr who kept reviving her.

MrGBH realised that he would forever be an idiot and propped himself back onto his pole in the middle of the wheat field in order to spare other people his idiocy.

Grinzor continued his lonely existence as a woodcutter. Luckily he had no need for the food Nine-chan had stolen anyway. He forgot to buy any more oil and eventually rusted up again.

Shy0ne1, who had a surprisingly short role in this story, became an international gladiator and attained the highest title possible.

Mack continued conning the people of the Emerald City. Since they were all too stupid to notice this is probably a good thing.

Aerix spent another hundred million years stuck inside that mirror. Luckily he found he could get cable so he wasn’t bothered.

Zedr and Airichan took over the entire world using the Golden fan of resurrection. This was seen universally as a good thing.

Nine-chan never told anybody what happened. Although she did throttle the real MrGBH for constantly calling her Nine-chan rather than 9261993 and writing this stupid story in the first place.

Monday, 6 April 2009

Amy-Chan. Her Life, Her Story. Part 1

Here it is, the story that made my name. This story was the longest one posted on the Tokyopop website. It stayed in the top twenty for over a year and even attracted the antention of Stu Levy, the CEO of Tokyopop himself. It granted me the title of God Of Fiction and won me universal accolade.
Personally, I hate it.
Truthfully, I've come a long way since I started Amy-chan nearly three years ago. My writing skills have increased tremendously. Every time I glance at Amy-chan I wince inwardly at how proud I once was of it.
But, after far too long, I've finally gotten up the courage to rewrite it completely. It won't be easy, but it's something that has to be done. From now on, every Monday I will post one small portion of this epic-length novel. If you have any thoughts, good or bad, praising or criticising, please share them with me.

The ninja entered the complex in the dead of night. He had snuck past the guards with ease. He entered via the ventilation ducts, being sure to make minimal noise. After five minutes of careful crawling he reached the elevator shaft. He pulled a small device out of his backpack and clipped it onto the elevator cable. He pulled himself out of the vent and hung in mid-air for a second before starting his ascent.
It was not long before he reached the required floor. He pressed his feet against the walls and let the magnetic pads hold him in place while he crow-barred the door open. He quickly and stealthily ran down the corridor, his blade at the ready lest he run afoul of security.
He reached his target, lab number 5, without incident. He pulled a pair of lock picks from his backpack and used them to enter. He immediately spotted his target on a table in the middle of the room. He ran over to it and looked it over. It was a plastic box with a tiny radar dish on the top. Hard to believe this device could scramble all missile guidance systems the world over. He hastily pulled a screwdriver out of his backpack and set to work removing the casing. The inside was empty, which came as a bit of a shock to the ninja.
A hidden door at the other end of the laboratory opened and a man-sized squirrel in a lab coat stepped through it.
“Well hello!” He said, opening his arms wide as if welcoming the ninja, “You must be Heartman. I’ve heard so much about you. You’ve been rather a naughty little human haven’t you? How many of my labs have you destroyed now? Sixteen, seventeen?”
“Twenty-four, but who’s counting? Nice little trap you’ve got here. You seem to have made an oversight though.”
“Oh really? Please, do enlighten me.”
“There’s nothing to stop me from killing you.”
Heartman drew his katana from its’ sheath and charged toward the squirrel-person, but before he reached him he slammed into an energy wall.
“You don’t think I’d be dumb enough to give you a shot at me did you? No, that wouldn’t do at all. Instead I’m going to watch while my little pet makes a meal out of you. Say hello to Nibbles.”
The squirrel-person pulled a remote control out of his coat pocket and pressed one of the myriad of buttons on it. The wall directly behind Heartman opened with a grinding sound. Out of the darkness stepped the scariest creature Heartman had ever seen in his life. It was a squirrel, but no ordinary squirrel, for it was as large as an Indian Elephant. This great monstrosity of a creature roared like a lion and lunged at Heartman.
Heartman barrel-rolled out of the way barely in time as Nibbles clawed at his back. Heartman rose to his feet and stared the beast in the eye. He silently reached for his katana, only to realise it wasn’t there. He had lost his grip on it when he dodged Nibbles’ first charge. He spotted it lying next to Nibbles’ right foot-paw.
“Okay, it looks like I’m going to have to do this the hard way.” Heartman said to himself as he drew his wakizashi, a katana-like dagger. Gripping it tightly he crouched into a squatting position. Nibbles, seeing that his prey had seemingly become smaller, lunged once more. The ninja leapt straight up into the air. He did a somersault as Nibbles’ head passed under him, taking the opportunity to slash with his weapon before landing behind the creature.
Nibbles recovered quickly and spun round, but the ninja had retrieved his katana. Nibbles was unimpressed however and lunged forward once more. This time though he anticipated the ninjas’ leap and caught his leg with his teeth. Nibbles clenched the ninjas’ leg tightly and slammed him against the ground. Several of the ninjas’ ribs broke upon impact along with the leg he was being gripped by. Nibbles flung the ninja across the room.
Heartmans’ vision began to blur as Nibbles closed the gap between them. He reached for his katana but it had landed out of reach.
Just before Nibbles attacked a hail of bullets shattered all of the windows. A small, furry figure smashed through the remains and rolled along the floor. After it stopped rolling it stood up to reveal its true identity. It was a five-foot-six orange catgirl dressed in a schoolgirls’ uniform. It also had hold of a gun slightly larger than itself.
“Hi boss. How’s things?” She asked with a cheeky grin.
“Oh, can’t complain really, I just happen to have a monstrous squirrel trying to eat me.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll deal with him.” The catgirl replied, lining Nibbles up in her sights. She flicked a switch on the side of her gun and pulled the trigger. A very bright blue laser beam fired out of the gun, vaporising all it touched, which included large portions of Nibbles’ torso. Unsurprisingly, Nibbles crashed to the ground, dead as a doornail.
“Now I feel bad. He was kinda cute really.”
“Amy-chan, as thankful as I am that you saved me, why are you here? I told you to wait by the plane.”
"No, YOU asked me to wait with the plane. I never left it for a second".
"Then where is my plane?"
"Um, well, the thing is. How can I put this? I was with the plane but I got bored and so I got in the plane and I started flying it around when some squirrels with parachutes started shooting at me so I flew straight through them and they all got caught in the engines and it started to choke up so I had to grab my stuff and bail but I saw you in trouble and I started shooting so I lost track of the plane and I'm really sorry and can you ever forgive me I'll never do it again I promise."
"So in other words, you crashed my plane?"
“Do you have any idea how much that plane cost me?”
“I’ll pay you back.”
“Nevermind. I’m sure I’ll get over it. But just one more thing.”
“Yeah boss?”
“Do you have any ideas how we’re going to get home?” Heartman asked as he stared out of the hole towards the vastness of the Sahara desert.
Amy-chan cocked her head to the side and scratched her chin. “Maybe we could hitch-hike?”

Cuppa Tea

I've been bad. I did promise that mondays would be something new, but because of my nieces being round mine for the week, I haven't had any time to write anything. So I'm going to have to post a filler. What could be a filler for a fiction blog? Poetry. To be precise, old poetry. I'll post something proper later, once I've gotten it done.

Cuppa tea

Sitting in my living room
My sister comes in
She is carrying
A fresh cuppa tea

It is placed on the table
Too hot to touch
Steam wisps up from it
A hot cuppa tea

I smell the smell
Of whatever blend it is
I just love that scent
A fragrant cuppa tea

I blow the surface
To cool it down
Still too hot to drink
A steaming cuppa tea

I wait five minutes
For the steam to clear
Now I can drink
A lovely cuppa tea

It passes through my lips
And over my tongue
My taste buds tell me
It’s a good cuppa tea

Friday, 3 April 2009

The Antlion, The Itch And The Closet

This is what is known as a Clanfiction. A Clanfiction is simply a fiction involving the characters from the MLC, over at and tends to be pointless and funny. Sometimes other stuff too. Possibly intelligible, but rarely, especially when coming from me. Just like that sentence.
So, um, yeah, stupidity and randomness ahead.

The Antlion, The Itch And The Closet

What Has Gone Before;
Tollie, the mad chemist and rival of MrGBH, has entered the land of Darnia, realm of the missing MLC visitors, pretending to be MrGBH’s other rival Zaul, in order to rule over the realm and cause rampant and random, also possibly wanton, destruction.
MrGBH doesn’t know this. He has entered the land of Darnia in order to retrieve his three missing ninja allies, because if he doesn’t his ninja licence will be revoked again.
We join our hero(?) just before he sets off on his journey.
“I’m off on my journey.” The ninja master announced. He shifted his backpack, made out of the spare footpaw of a giant mutant squirrel monster (Long story) and opened the closet. He stepped in, closed the door and was instantly transported magically to the realm of Darnia. It sounds more exciting than it was, because all that really happened was another door opened on the other side. It wasn’t even an impressive opening, no ominous creaking or anything. Must’ve just been oiled.
But I digress.
The ninja shrugged off the freezing cold and began trudging through the snow. He had no idea where he was going, but he wouldn’t find his missing comrades just standing around. At least, that’s what he thought, but just after he turned a corner along the snow-covered road the three ninjas appeared right there.
“Finally, we found it!” Juut Fighter exclaimed.
“Now we can go home.” Kunoichi exclaimed as she dropped to her knees and cried.
“Let us return then, and put this horror behind us.” Ninja Grandmaster Sasuke exclaimed.
They then left Darnia through the door without any further exclamations.
Meanwhile, MrGBH did not know any of this and thus continued to tromp through the snow. It took him a while (Ten minutes approximately) to cover fifty miles and find a huge stone castle. It looked like something a twelve year old girl would wish to live in, if that twelve year old girl liked evil vampire castles of the sort beloved by horror writers in Trannsylvania.
MrGBH ignored this lack of actual description and walked up to the castle anyway. He knocked on the door, drumming the tune to Mortal Kombat with his drum kit as he did so. He was multi-talented in this regard.
The drawbridge dropped open, landing squarely on MrGBHs’ noggin. MrGBH crawled out from underneath it and stood up.
“Hello, I wish to speak to the master of this house.” He announced, shortly after throwing shurikens everywhere, killing the young Igor who had answered.
“Oops, bad habit. Sorry about that.” MrGBH said as he nonchalantly walked into the castle. I should note that MrGBH doesn’t know how to walk nonchalantly and instead settled for tap dancing.
“That’th quite alright thir, I’m uthed to it. Although, the local ruthianth around hereaboutth tend to uthe acktheth inthtead.”
MrGBH stopped in his neatly marked tracks and figured out what the hell it was that Igor had thaid…… I mean said.
“Oh, alright then. Axes you say?”
“Yeth thir, acktheth.”
“These wouldn’t happen to be the fabled children of Zaul now, would it?”
“Yeth thir, the fabled children of Thaul. Altho thir, I think you’ve overdown the lithp gag now.”
“Yes, quite right. You wouldn’t happen to know where their master would be do you?”
“He’th the one who ownth thith carthool thir.”
“Ah, okay then. Take me to your leader.”
“You’ve alwayth wanted to thay that, haven’t you thir?”
“Naturally. Let’s go.”
After wiping off the spittle from the lisping, MrGBH followed Igor to the top of the castle. MrGBH killed Igor out of professional courtesy and kicked the door down. He peppered the walls, to which they replied with a sneeze.
MrGBH stumbled back onto his feet and threw a kunai at the prominent figure sitting on the throne. The crash test dummy didn’t flinch, due to it not having nerves, but it did have its’ feelings hurt from this unwarranted abuse.
“Amazing. You turned up and did bugger all.” A Dutch accent said from behind MrGBH.
“Tollie! I’m glad you’re here. Hey, have you seen Zaul anywhere? Why have you got that axe?” MrGBH asked, shortly before having an axe embedded in his gall bladder.
“I’m getting vengeance for my tank.” Tollie said, before head butting MrGBH. Unfortunately for Tollie, MrGBH dodged it by jumping to the side. Unfortunately for MrGBH he landed on the embedded axe, which swiftly chopped him in twain.
“Ow. I appear to have been chopped in twain.” MrGBH said nonchalantly. For this instance the reader should replace nonchalantly with a Scottish accent.
“Maybe you should get someone to have a look at that?” Tollie said as he prodded MrGBHs’ left foot. “I do have an Igor around here somewhere.”
“But I killed him. Oh dramatic irony, why do you hate me so?”
“Becauthe you’re a jerk thir.” Igor said as he began stitching MrGBH back up.
“Oh yeah. Thanks for coming back to life Igor.”
“No problem thir, itth all thankth to the miththing Binkieth thir.” Igor spat.
“Great. Now I can kill you without worrying that you’ll die first.” Tollie said, then stopped and thought about it.
“Why do you want to kill me? What have I ever done to you? Wait, don’t bother answering that, my fingers are sore from already and I don’t want to have to do more typing today than necessary.”
“So I’m supposed to just not kill you?”
“Yeah, we’ve got more pressing matters to attend to, such as getting vengeance on Zaul for that April fools day prank.”
“But we were the only two idiots to fall for it.”
“I know, but I figure we might as well get revenge anyway. My plan is to brainwash all of his children and then make them give us all of their possessions and devote their lives to an utterly insane and ridiculous philosophy. Where are they?”
“They all left and joined this Antlion named Aslen. Apparently he’s teaching them Scientology. Also, he had cookies.”
“Dang, he beat me to it. Oh well, let’s just go home then, I’ve forgotten why I came her in the first place.”
“Yeah sure.”
And with that, they both left Darnia via the magical door. They both agreed that this clan fiction was a huge let-down in that it contained only two out of three of the things in the title. When they got home they both laughed heartily at Zaul, who was running around wearing Tollie’s itching powder-covered lab coat. A good time was had by all, with the notable exception of Zaul, which is always a good thing.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009


Yet another short story for you folks, this one I wrote about two years ago. It was part of a competition within the MLC (Mostly Literate Clan, a group of online amateur writers), where we had to write a story based on a prompt. I would share the prompt with you, but I've completely forgotten what it was. Oh well. Here it is, my first real attempt at spooky. Comments appreciated.

“Do you know how embarrassing you are?” The girl asked.
“What? All I did was ask a question.” The man replied, keeping his eyes on the road.
“No, you asked ‘Wasn’t J. Timbaland in Take That?’ There are so many things wrong with that sentence; I don’t even know where to begin.” The girl crossed her arms in front of her, and stared out of the car window.
After a few minutes of driving in silence, the father tried to make amends, but his daughter was ignoring him. He gave up, knowing she’d cool off by the time they got home. They were passing through the woods, when the girl spoke again.
“Hey Dad, stop the car.”
“What? Why?”
“I though I saw Kyle from school.”
“Kyle? What’s he doing here?” the father slowed the car to a stop and got out. “Maybe he needs a lift.”
“Dad! You can’t give him a lift, what if someone were to see us in the same car? My life would be over.” The daughter got out of the car, and chased her father into the woods.
“Kyle? Is that you? Can you hear me?” The father cupped his hands around his mouth, to holler louder.
“He’s obviously not here Dad. Now can we please just go home? I don’t want to miss Americas Next Top Model.” The daughter turned her mobile phone on, so as to see the ground better. Not out of concern for Kyle or her father, but because she didn’t want to get her cheerleaders outfit dirty. She followed her father, until he stopped next to the lake.
“Dad, have you found him? Can we get going now?”
“I think you might miss your program honey.” The father said. He pointed his finger towards something in the lake. The daughter shone the light from her phone over the lake. Once she saw what her father had seen, she let out a blood-curdling scream. On the island inside the lake was the body of a girl, who was wearing the same outfit as her.
“Oh My God! Is she okay? We have to check if she’s okay.”
“No honey, we have to phone the police. Give me your phone.” He held his hand out, suggesting that he wanted her to drop the phone into his waiting palm.
“It’s no use, I don’t have any credit.”
“You don’t need credit to call the police.”
“Well I don’t have any reception either.”
“Then let’s go back to the car. I’ll use my car phone instead.” The father said, and they began walking back to the car. It didn’t take them long; they just followed their footprints in the fresh December snow. When they got back to their car, they saw something neither of them suspected. There lay the body of Kyle, positioned as if he had been driving their car. On the side of the car was a message. It had been written in what was presumably Kyle’s blood. It said this.
You’re next!!!
“Dad, what’s happening?”
“I don’t know, but I think we should definitely call the cops now.” He took the phone from his daughter. He dialled, but the phone ran out of battery just before he hit that final 9.
“Dad, I’m scared.”
“Don’t worry honey. Just stay close to me. I’ve got to get something from the boot, just hold on for a sec.” the father pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, and opened the boot tentatively. He reached in, and drew his pistol and some torches. He turned round, and pulled his daughter close. “Honey, hold this torch. We’re going to calmly walk out of these woods, and then find a telephone.”
“But these woods go on for miles!”
“Sorry, but we can’t use our car. That would be interfering with a crime scene.”
“I saw a cabin next to the lake. We could go there. They might have a phone.” The daughter said. Her father nodded, and they began following their footprints back into the woods. The father kept flashing his torch to the sides, in order to blind any would-be attackers.
After a few minutes of walking, they found the lake once more. On a strange instinct, the father shone the torch on the spot where they had seen the body. It was missing. The pair glanced at each other, and then set off towards the cabin. The father knocked.
“Who is it?” A crackly old voice asked.
“Excuse me, but our car broke down on the road a little way off, and we were hoping we could use your phone.” The father called out.
“Alright then. We’re having dinner right now, but if you’ll promise to keep your voices down, I suppose you could use the phone in the hallway.” The voice replied. The door opened a few inches, and the face of an old woman peered round. The father quickly hid his gun. “Come in dearies. Would you like a quick bite?”
“No thanks. We would just like to be going as quickly as possible.” The father said as he stepped in. His daughter followed him inside, and the old woman closed the door with a click.
“Can’t be too careful. There’re all sorts roaming these woods at night. Don’t want any to get in now, do we?”
“Uh, no. Of course not.” The father said. He picked up the phone. He began to dial, but before he pressed the final 9, he stopped. “What’s that smell? It reminds me of pork, but it’s not. What is it?”
“Cheerleader!” The old woman screamed. She threw off her shawl, and stabbed the girl in the back. The father drew his pistol, but before he got a chance, someone else had ran him through. “I did say we’re having dinner Deary.”
“Quite a lot to eat today, isn’t there?” The young man with a knife asked his mother. He picked up the limp body in front of him, and dragged it away. His mother dragged the daughter away. Then they went back to their meal.
The actors walked back onto the stage and bowed. The audience clapped eagerly, applauding their kids for their imagination. None of the parents had really wanted to come, but the money was going to a good cause. And it hadn’t been too bad, considering.