Saturday, 11 April 2009

Nine-Chan Over The Rainbow

I must apologise for not updating either last wednesday or friday, but due to circumstances beyond my control the copper phone lines got stolen.... Again. For some reason BT just keep putting up more copper when instead they could use fibre-optics and avoid the whole repeatedly stolen problem altogether.Oh well.

What I've got today is an old clanfic, created over a year ago shortly before the MLC moved to their current location. I've noticed that it doesn't exist anywhere on the net at the moment, so I'm uploading it here.

“You working late again Nine-chan?” Zedr asked as he opened the MLC office door.
“Sorry. I’m kind of still learning the ropes here and everyone calls you Nine-chan so I assumed that was your name.” He defended himself.
“Sorry. I’m just a little stressed. I’ve been appearing in a few clan-fics and I haven’t used my fan of resurrection in any of them.”
“Well don’t work too long then. See you tomorrow.”
“Bye.” Nine-chan got back to work as her last vestiges of company left. Being the workaholic she is, Nine-chan continued working well into the night, completely ignoring Zedr’s request. Just as she was nearing the end of her tremendous workload all of the lights went out in the building.
“What the? All of the lights just went out.” She said, not noticing the narration. She got up and walked over to the window. Imagine her surprise when she saw that she was being carried off in a tornado. She thought she saw MXSkai flying past whilst cackling on a broomstick. Naturally she began frothing at the mouth and fainted in an only-slightly gibbering heap.

Upon her awakening the lighting was still off, but at least it was now daytime. She clambered down the stairs to the bottom of the office block, secretly wishing somebody would install a slide or something instead and finally emerged into the bright day. The weather was perfect. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the munchkins were dancing. Once she realised she was staring at munchkins she promptly fainted again.
“Where am I?” She asked after water had been poured on her face.
“The wonderful land of Oz. Or at least, the now-and-forever-more wonderful land of Oz. For you see, your arrival has vanquished our most hated oppressor, the Wicked Witch of the West.” Ginkazeryuu replied. It didn’t register in Nine-chan’s brain that Ginkazeryuu had suddenly become a munchkin, only that somebody had died. Bowing to the inevitable, Nine-chan glanced back at the building. Sticking out from where it had landed were MXSkai’s feet, which were wearing bright red ninja shoes. Nine-chan faintly recalled that ninja-shoes do have a specific name, but she was unable to check Wikipedia to find out what it was.
Once she had refocused on her situation she noticed that the feet had vanished, leaving only the shoes. Remembering that she had kicked her own shoes off during work the previous day she immediately put them on her own feet. They fit perfectly.
“You know I’m sure it’s immoral to steal the shoes from the dead.” Ginkazeryuu mentioned. Nine-chan’s eyes grew wide with the realisation of what was going on.
“Am I in another clan-fic again? No way! I am not doing another clan-fic! Who’s writing this one then? Calamari? Grinzor? Zedr? Whoever it is can just forget it! I’m not doing it! I’m leaving.” Nine-chan attempted to storm off in a huff but was prevented by several cheering munchkins. After whacking a few of them upside the head with a giant fan they made room for her. Just as she reached the outskirts of the munchkin city she stopped. She had no idea how to leave a clan-fic. Luckily for her a bright white light appeared unto her. Before she could argue with the archaic term the light transformed in the most cheesy anime-magical-girl transformation way possible. Suddenly Calamari was standing there dressed all in white.
“Not another one.” Nine-chan groaned.
“I am the Good Witch of the South. I have come here to reward you for defeating the Wicked Witch.” Calamari said in a voice so soft it was practically a whisper.
“If you’re so good, why didn’t you destroy her then?”
“Uh, well, because.” Calamari backed away in slight embarrassment. “Because she was just as powerful as I and intelligent too.”
“Obviously not intelligent enough to dodge a flying building.” Nine-chan rolled her eyes.
“Well anyway, I shall give you information that shall aid in your greatest wish.” Calamari practically whispered again.
“I just want to go home. I don’t want any wish because it’ll just lead to more craziness and fuel this clan-fic.”
“Very well. In order for you to go home, you must speak with the Wizard of Oz.”
“Why does that name sound familiar?” Nine-chan mused to herself having never seen the movie (Nor read the book it seems). “Fine. Where is this Wizard of yours?”
“To find him you must follow the yellow bricked road.” Calamari pointed towards Nine-chan’s feet. Nine-chan jumped in slight shock when she noticed that the road she had been standing on was practically luminescent. “Apparently the munchkins really like to keep their roads clean. Follow it and you will come to the Emerald City. Inside lives the Wizard.” With that Calamari faded away until she had completely vanished.
“Did you just teleport? Why didn’t she just teleport me to this city? Great.” Nine-chan huffed to herself then she set out along the road.
After a few hours of walking, she arrived at a crossroads next to a field. The yellow road (Which was just as bright as before) split into three paths. There was no signpost.
“Typical. Follow the yellow bricked road huh? No mention of a crossroads. Silly old bat of a squid! Who’s that?” Nine-chan stared into a nearby field. She could just make out what appeared to be a person hidden among the wheat. “Maybe that person can help.” Nine-chan muttered as she set off.
“Excuse me but I need some directions.” Nine-chan asked once she was close enough.
“If you need directions then I’m your man. I can point you in any direction you like, long as you turn me to face it first.” A voice that sounded like Dick-Van-Dyke called back. Nine-chan parted the wheat and gazed up at the scarecrow.
“Oh great, we’ve got a talking scarecrow now. And it looks like MrGBH. Can this story get any worse?” Nine-chan sighed to herself whilst a crow sat on the Scarecrow/MrGBH’s head.
“Oh now don’t be like that. I’m sure everything will be perfectly fine if you persevere. But then, what would I know, I’m just a brainless scarecrow. What was it you were after again my dear?”
“I seriously think I’m going to kill whoever is writing this.” Nine-chan muttered, not realising who’s fiction she was in.
“Directions if I recall.” MrGBH continued on oblivious to Nine-chan’s evil glares. “Directions all depend on where you’re going of course. If you want to go to the pumpkin patch then directions to the Emerald City wont be of much help now will they? Unless someone there would know the way, but I highly doubt that because the pumpkin patch is far off to the north while the Emerald City is just in the other field over there. Or was it the other way around?”
“If I cut you down will you please stop talking?”
“Possibly. You’d have to cut me down to find out though. I may keep babbling. It’s generally what I do, since the crows don’t contribute much to conversations now do they?” MrGBH asked the crow sitting on his outstretched arm. He was about to begin talking when Nine-chan knocked his head off with her fan. He stayed quiet for a while until Nine-chan had finished cutting his body down and she reattached his head.
“Can you just be quiet and give me directions to the Emerald City?” Nine-chan asked through gritted teeth.
“Oh sure. It’s just north of here. Along this path if I’m not mistaken, but then I’ve no brain so I could be mistaken. It’s what happens when you don’t have a brain you know.” MrGBH quickly found he was talking to thin air since Nine-chan had long since stormed off towards the path.
“Hey! Wait up! I’m coming too! I need to find me a brain. Wait up!” MrGBH waved frantically as he followed Nine-chan along the northern road.

After yet more walking the pair of travellers (Who hadn’t broken into song once) came upon some woods. A little way inside these woods was a log cabin, just beside the road. Curious and slightly hungry Nine-chan decided to enter it. There was nobody home, so she promptly opened all of his cupboards and ate all of the food she could find. What she didn’t eat she stole. Nine-chan explained to MrGBH that everybody does it, just look at any RPG game and the evidence speaks for itself.
They wandered out back and came across what looked like a statue of a dwarf wielding a large hammer. What made it strange was that the statue was made out of tin rather than the dwarfs preferred stone. Nine-chan hesitantly touched the statue.
“Geg ge gum goil.” It said.
Once Nine-chan had gotten over the shock of meeting a talking dwarf statue she spotted a small can of oil on a table nearby.
“Oh, it wants some oil. Stupid idiot must have rusted when it rained.” She picked up the oil and squeezed some into the joints of the tin-man/Grinzor.
“Ah, thank ye fer tha’ ma’am. Ye be a life saver fer shoor!” The metallic dwarf winked at her.
“What the hell did he just say?” Nine-chan whispered into MrGBH’s ear.
“I don’t have the foggiest. I only speak the Queen’s English, not gibberish. What I want to know is what he’s doing chopping wood with a hammer. Seems awfully daft to me and I’ve got no brain to speak of.” MrGBH replied, completely forgetting to whisper.
“Ye no’ go’ a bren? Ye cannae be goin’ ‘round wi’ou’ a bren ye daftie. How d’ye talk then?” Grinzor asked in heavy dwarfish.
“I understood that last bit. And may I respond by asking how do you speak with a metallic tongue? It’s not like it would be any good for making many sounds would it?” MrGBH leaned down to stare the dwarf fully in the face. Just as the two were about to come to blows Nine-chan whacked them both upside the head with her fan. After reattaching both heads she made them promise not to fight each other.
“Now come on. I don’t want to be stuck in this terrible clan-fic any longer than I have to.” She said and began storming off once more.
“Wha’s a clan-fic then ma’ie?”
“I’m not quite sure, but she seems utterly convinced that she’s in one. May I suggest we humour her until she comes to her senses?”
“Aye shoor. We humour th’ bonnie lass fer a wee whil’.”
And with that, the two men followed Nine-chan down that strangely bright yellow bricked road.

Meanwhile, far to the east and in a dark room, the Wicked Witch of the East was muttering to herself in the manner of all wicked witches.
“Now then, a little tiger’s blood and a dragon tooth aught to do it. Aha, I’ve done it.” Airichan hopped about with glee over her bubbling brew.
“What do you have there mistress? Is it a potion to shrink your foes down to an edible size? A brew to make them lose all of their strength? An elixir that turns normal poppies into poppies of sleeping?” Her winged henchman asked.
“What? What are you talking about Zedr? This is my lunch. But talking of enemies, I really think I should be doing something about that Dorothy girl who killed my sister.” Airichan stalked over to a darkly decorative full length mirror.
“I think her name’s Nine-chan actually. And since when was MXSkai your sister?”
“Be quiet! I don’t pay you to question me!” Airichan snapped as she waved her hands in front of the mirror.
“You don’t pay me at all. And you know you don’t have to bother with all of that hand waving stuff. Aerix will tell you anything you want if you just simply ask.” Zedr replied dejectedly from next to the pot.
“Shut up. I want to do all of this properly. And don’t touch my lunch!” Airichan called over her shoulder. “Oh great Mirror of Majicks, show me what I wish to see! Great Aerix, first of Daemons that is trapped in the Mirror, lend me your All-seeing eye!” Airichan smashed a small bottle on the ground in front of the mirror. When the smoke cleared she could clearly see the Great Daemon Lord Aerix picking his nose and wiping it against the inside of the mirror.
“Wha’d’ya want this time?”
“You know, living in a mirror for a million years has turned you into a right slob mate.” Zedr called from his hiding position behind Airichan’s soup bowl.
“Yeah well, it’s not like I have to bother cleaning it. That’s what glass cleaner’s for.”
“You mean that bottle Airichan smashed on the ground just then?”
“Will you two stop talking so I can ask the bleeding question already?” Airichan roared, obviously frustrated at being the only sane character besides Nine-chan in this entire fiction. “Now, where was I? Oh yes. Great Daemon Lord Aerix, please lend me your All-seeing eye so that I can avenge my sister. Where is the one named Dorothy?”
Aerix’s voice positively dripped sarcasm as he leaned against the mirror-frame. “At home watching Family Guy with her grand-kids I suspect. This movie was done a very long time ago. The one you want is Nine-chan and she’s in the Annoyingly-Evergreen woods right now. She’s really not hard to find. You know, what with the whole follow the yellow bricked road thing and all.”
“Fine. Let’s do away with her and get this over with.” Zedr straightened his waistcoat and hopped onto the window, ready to fly away.
“Wait a second. I’m supposed to tell you to go do that!” Airichan chased after her diminutive henchman.
“But we’re short on time as it is. She’s in those woods right? That means she’ll have met the Tin-man and maybe even the Cowardly Lion already. If you watched the movie it was them who were the real fighters.” Zedr jumped out of the window and spread his wings.
“Fly my pretties! Fly!” Airichan screamed from her window.
“Bugger! I was really hoping to leave before she said that. At least I won’t have to listen to that insane laughter anymore.” Zedr muttered as he and his brethren flew away from the dark castle.

After yet more walking in silence (Nine-chan’s angry glares were enough to keep even MrGBH quiet) the trio of not-so-intrepid adventurers heard a scream.
“Tha’s no’a good soond.” Grinzor said as he readied his hammer.
“I concur.” MrGBH concurred.
“Somehow I have a feeling we’re going to meet yet another strange individual who wants to join our group.” Nine-chan muttered to herself. She was proven correct when a man-sized lioness ran screaming onto the road.
“Aaaaaaaghhhhhh!” Was what she said. She stopped when she saw the perplexed trio and ran over to them.
“Oh thank the Wizard you’re here.” The Cowardly Lioness/Shy0ne1 said as she hugged Nine-chan. “I was so afraid. There were these things and they were after me and they kept harassing me and I couldn’t get away from them.”
“Could you let me go please?” Nine-chan gasped.
“Oh right. Sorry. I was just so afraid.” Shy0ne1 played with her tail feverishly.
“Now then my dear lady lion, what was it you were running from?” MrGBH tilted his head in an inquisitive manner.
“Aye, we need ta kno’ so we can gi’it a wee good wallopin’!” Grinzor swung his hammer around above his head.
“Oh they were these terrible winged creatures. I was just lazing about in my usual spot when they started attacking me for no reason.”
MrGBH’s head tilted further sideways. “So why didn’t you fight back then? You’re a lioness for goodness sakes. As everybody knows it’s always the lionesses that do the killings.”
“Ye claws an’ ye fangs augh’a do a good number on the nasties.”
“But I was so afraid.” Was Shy0ne1’s reply as she sucked on her tail. Everybody jumped when they heard a screeching from all around them.
“We found you! Now you’re coming with us.” A voice screeched at them. In a flash Zedr and the rest of the winged monkeys had the quartet surrounded. “Give up and be captured or we’ll tear you apart and capture you anyway.”
MrGBH stepped forward. “Hmmmmm. Let me ponder on that for a moment. We have a metal dwarf with a penchant for combat, a nun with a giant fan and a serious temper, a Lioness with sharp claws and a scarecrow who happens to also be a master ninja. I think we’ll take option number three. Charge!”
The four adventurers, who by now had started to garner some serious resentment for this lame story they were appearing in, fell upon the winged monkeys with a blood thirsty cry that would have made Atilla the Hun wet himself. Within the time it just took you to read this sentence the monkeys were all defeated except Zedr. He had been left alive purely because he was the only one who had been named.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen. Let me see the script!” Zedr demanded. MrGBH still had his copy on him since he couldn’t remember any of his lines so he lent Zedr his copy. “See? Right here it says that the flying monkeys win the fight and carry Nine-chan off to meet the Wicked Witch of the East. How am I supposed to achieve that now? I haven’t had proper training in lifting heavy objects.” The monkey demanded, to which Nine-chan smashed him upside the head with her fan.
“Who you calling a heavy object? I’ll have you know I’m the perfect weight for my height you little jerk!”
Shy0ne1 cowered behind MrGBH, “You’re one scary lady.” She said as Zedr lay on the road bleeding profusely from the head. Suddenly, behind him, a puff of smoke heralded the appearance of Airichan. The two men’s mouths gaped open.
“I thought the Wicked Witches were supposed to be hideous.” MrGBH exclaimed as he picked up his jaw. Airichan was wearing a sleek black dress in the oriental style beat-em-up characters are so fond of. It was split along both hems, showing her long legs and black high heels with lots of straps. Her skin was bright green without a hint of any warts and her long black hair reached her ankles. Her only resemblance to the witch of the movie was the large black hat she wore.
“Well, I am the Wicked Witch of the East. I need to follow the anime traditions of nothing but attractive characters.” She smirked over the black fan she was waving in front of her hair.
“Men!” Shy0ne1 and Nine-chan both grunted through gritted teeth. Nine-chan grabbed her own fan and swung it with all of her might towards Airichan but was stopped at the last moment by her pinky finger.
“Since we’ve thrown the script away, I guess it’s about time the bad guy won right?” She smirked her smirk as she used some insane martial arts move to throw Nine-chan away from her whilst simultaneously stealing the fan away. Shy0ne1 caught Nine-chan before she hit the ground.
“Hahahahahahaha! Finally, the bad guys actually get to win one for a change!” Airichan roared with joyous laughter.
“Not a bloody chance! I want to go back home already!” Nine-chan roared angrily as she threw a bucket of water over Airichan.
Airichan looked down at her ruined dress. “You’re paying for the dry cleaning bill you know.”
“Wait. You’re supposed to melt aren’t you? That’s what happens to all witches when they get hit by water. The evil ones at least.”
“Who said I was evil? The Wicked Witch of the East is just a title. You know, as in ‘She’s well wicked!’ And whatnot.”
“But the munchkins at the beginning of this story said you were an evil oppressor?” Nine-chan said. MrGBH, Grinzor and Shy0ne1 nodded with agreement, probably because they hadn’t been mentioned for quite a while.
It was now Airichan’s turn to be stunned. “You actually believed the first people you met? All we do is charge them rent for their land. We have to eat you know. So we rented out some of our estates to the munchkins to cover expenses.”
“But the Good Witch of the South said you were evil!” Nine-chan grasped at the last straw within grasping range.
“You mean the Good-for-nothing Witch of the South? All she ever does is sit in her house playing with dolls all day. Just because somebody says they’re the good guys doesn’t always mean they are. I’ll bet she even told you to go see the Wizard right? The old follow the yellowed brick road thing?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Come on, let’s go see him then.” Airichan waved Nine-chan’s golden fan of resurrection through the air and, once her henchmen had all been revived, teleported them all straight into the Wizard’s antechamber.
“What? Who dares enter my antechamber without first asking? I mean, I could have been in the shower or something.” The Wizardess/Mack replied.
Nine-chan stormed straight up to the curtain and wrenched it aside revealing the woman beyond. “Listen you, I want to go home and I want to go home now! So either you send me home or so help me I’ll find a way to make your life miserable.”
“Who are you and why are you asking me to do anything? Have you done anything for me? No! Now get lost, I was just reading a good book.” Mack shoved Nine-chan out of the small room and closed the curtain once more.
“See? That’s what happens when you blindly trust women who wear white. She’s always been trying to take over our lands. She’s my cousin see and now that MXSkai’s dead she’s also my next of kin. Trust me, she’d charge the munchkins far more than I would ever even dream of.” Airichan explained.
Nine-chan slumped onto a nearby sofa, “See? That’s why I don’t like being in a clan-fic. The stories always get messed up beyond reason. So when do I get to go home?”
“Whenever you want. Just tap your shoes together and say ‘I bloody hate clan-fics’ three times. What, the so-called-by-herself Good Witch didn’t tell you that?”
“I bloody hate clan-fics.” Nine-chan repeated the phrase like her own personal mantra until her shoes took her back to the MLC building where she awoke at her desk. She stared around at everybody there and made an important decision.
“I’m going to crucify the next person who uses me as a main character in their clan-fic.”

Ginkazeryuu was arrested for inciting people to violence and spent eighty-nine hours doing munchkin community service.

Calamari spent the next twenty years trying to kill Airichan for her land, but Airichan had given
Nine-chan’s golden fan of resurrection to Zedr who kept reviving her.

MrGBH realised that he would forever be an idiot and propped himself back onto his pole in the middle of the wheat field in order to spare other people his idiocy.

Grinzor continued his lonely existence as a woodcutter. Luckily he had no need for the food Nine-chan had stolen anyway. He forgot to buy any more oil and eventually rusted up again.

Shy0ne1, who had a surprisingly short role in this story, became an international gladiator and attained the highest title possible.

Mack continued conning the people of the Emerald City. Since they were all too stupid to notice this is probably a good thing.

Aerix spent another hundred million years stuck inside that mirror. Luckily he found he could get cable so he wasn’t bothered.

Zedr and Airichan took over the entire world using the Golden fan of resurrection. This was seen universally as a good thing.

Nine-chan never told anybody what happened. Although she did throttle the real MrGBH for constantly calling her Nine-chan rather than 9261993 and writing this stupid story in the first place.

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