Friday, 3 April 2009

The Antlion, The Itch And The Closet

This is what is known as a Clanfiction. A Clanfiction is simply a fiction involving the characters from the MLC, over at and tends to be pointless and funny. Sometimes other stuff too. Possibly intelligible, but rarely, especially when coming from me. Just like that sentence.
So, um, yeah, stupidity and randomness ahead.

The Antlion, The Itch And The Closet

What Has Gone Before;
Tollie, the mad chemist and rival of MrGBH, has entered the land of Darnia, realm of the missing MLC visitors, pretending to be MrGBH’s other rival Zaul, in order to rule over the realm and cause rampant and random, also possibly wanton, destruction.
MrGBH doesn’t know this. He has entered the land of Darnia in order to retrieve his three missing ninja allies, because if he doesn’t his ninja licence will be revoked again.
We join our hero(?) just before he sets off on his journey.
“I’m off on my journey.” The ninja master announced. He shifted his backpack, made out of the spare footpaw of a giant mutant squirrel monster (Long story) and opened the closet. He stepped in, closed the door and was instantly transported magically to the realm of Darnia. It sounds more exciting than it was, because all that really happened was another door opened on the other side. It wasn’t even an impressive opening, no ominous creaking or anything. Must’ve just been oiled.
But I digress.
The ninja shrugged off the freezing cold and began trudging through the snow. He had no idea where he was going, but he wouldn’t find his missing comrades just standing around. At least, that’s what he thought, but just after he turned a corner along the snow-covered road the three ninjas appeared right there.
“Finally, we found it!” Juut Fighter exclaimed.
“Now we can go home.” Kunoichi exclaimed as she dropped to her knees and cried.
“Let us return then, and put this horror behind us.” Ninja Grandmaster Sasuke exclaimed.
They then left Darnia through the door without any further exclamations.
Meanwhile, MrGBH did not know any of this and thus continued to tromp through the snow. It took him a while (Ten minutes approximately) to cover fifty miles and find a huge stone castle. It looked like something a twelve year old girl would wish to live in, if that twelve year old girl liked evil vampire castles of the sort beloved by horror writers in Trannsylvania.
MrGBH ignored this lack of actual description and walked up to the castle anyway. He knocked on the door, drumming the tune to Mortal Kombat with his drum kit as he did so. He was multi-talented in this regard.
The drawbridge dropped open, landing squarely on MrGBHs’ noggin. MrGBH crawled out from underneath it and stood up.
“Hello, I wish to speak to the master of this house.” He announced, shortly after throwing shurikens everywhere, killing the young Igor who had answered.
“Oops, bad habit. Sorry about that.” MrGBH said as he nonchalantly walked into the castle. I should note that MrGBH doesn’t know how to walk nonchalantly and instead settled for tap dancing.
“That’th quite alright thir, I’m uthed to it. Although, the local ruthianth around hereaboutth tend to uthe acktheth inthtead.”
MrGBH stopped in his neatly marked tracks and figured out what the hell it was that Igor had thaid…… I mean said.
“Oh, alright then. Axes you say?”
“Yeth thir, acktheth.”
“These wouldn’t happen to be the fabled children of Zaul now, would it?”
“Yeth thir, the fabled children of Thaul. Altho thir, I think you’ve overdown the lithp gag now.”
“Yes, quite right. You wouldn’t happen to know where their master would be do you?”
“He’th the one who ownth thith carthool thir.”
“Ah, okay then. Take me to your leader.”
“You’ve alwayth wanted to thay that, haven’t you thir?”
“Naturally. Let’s go.”
After wiping off the spittle from the lisping, MrGBH followed Igor to the top of the castle. MrGBH killed Igor out of professional courtesy and kicked the door down. He peppered the walls, to which they replied with a sneeze.
MrGBH stumbled back onto his feet and threw a kunai at the prominent figure sitting on the throne. The crash test dummy didn’t flinch, due to it not having nerves, but it did have its’ feelings hurt from this unwarranted abuse.
“Amazing. You turned up and did bugger all.” A Dutch accent said from behind MrGBH.
“Tollie! I’m glad you’re here. Hey, have you seen Zaul anywhere? Why have you got that axe?” MrGBH asked, shortly before having an axe embedded in his gall bladder.
“I’m getting vengeance for my tank.” Tollie said, before head butting MrGBH. Unfortunately for Tollie, MrGBH dodged it by jumping to the side. Unfortunately for MrGBH he landed on the embedded axe, which swiftly chopped him in twain.
“Ow. I appear to have been chopped in twain.” MrGBH said nonchalantly. For this instance the reader should replace nonchalantly with a Scottish accent.
“Maybe you should get someone to have a look at that?” Tollie said as he prodded MrGBHs’ left foot. “I do have an Igor around here somewhere.”
“But I killed him. Oh dramatic irony, why do you hate me so?”
“Becauthe you’re a jerk thir.” Igor said as he began stitching MrGBH back up.
“Oh yeah. Thanks for coming back to life Igor.”
“No problem thir, itth all thankth to the miththing Binkieth thir.” Igor spat.
“Great. Now I can kill you without worrying that you’ll die first.” Tollie said, then stopped and thought about it.
“Why do you want to kill me? What have I ever done to you? Wait, don’t bother answering that, my fingers are sore from already and I don’t want to have to do more typing today than necessary.”
“So I’m supposed to just not kill you?”
“Yeah, we’ve got more pressing matters to attend to, such as getting vengeance on Zaul for that April fools day prank.”
“But we were the only two idiots to fall for it.”
“I know, but I figure we might as well get revenge anyway. My plan is to brainwash all of his children and then make them give us all of their possessions and devote their lives to an utterly insane and ridiculous philosophy. Where are they?”
“They all left and joined this Antlion named Aslen. Apparently he’s teaching them Scientology. Also, he had cookies.”
“Dang, he beat me to it. Oh well, let’s just go home then, I’ve forgotten why I came her in the first place.”
“Yeah sure.”
And with that, they both left Darnia via the magical door. They both agreed that this clan fiction was a huge let-down in that it contained only two out of three of the things in the title. When they got home they both laughed heartily at Zaul, who was running around wearing Tollie’s itching powder-covered lab coat. A good time was had by all, with the notable exception of Zaul, which is always a good thing.

1 comment:

  1. That is some right fun. Too bad your fingers were hurting. This could have been a great story! A few run on sentences but it actually worked that way. It took me a while to figure out the lisp. I laughed and almost cried during this venture. You are so lucky that the "good" doktor did not show up when you hewed yourself in two.