Well, here it is. The second part to my epic novel, rewritten using a lot of energy drink and tea..... I mean, uh, concentration and preparation. Yeah. That's it.
Anywhoo, those of you who have read the original version of this may notice a few more subtle differences. If you don't like them, then please comment. If you do like them, then I implore you to comment.
On with the show.
It was a dark and stormy night. Thunder cracked as lightning struck the rod atop the local church. All throughout the small village people rushed home and closed their doors. There is a phrase to describe heavy rain, something along the lines of mad dogs and Englishmen being the only ones who would venture out, but this weather kept even them indoors.
Located on the outskirts of the village was an ancient mansion. Originally a medieval palace, it had been converted and redesigned so often throughout the years that only an expert would be able to decipher its’ myriad secret passages and rooms.
But this isn’t the time for that. This is the time to describe the taxi that pulled up outside it and the strange people it carried.
The driver jumped as thunder cracked once more.
“Blimey! I’d hate to be out in this. ‘Ere, you gonna be alright with that leg?”
“I assure you, I can manage perfectly well.” The Englishman said in his impeccable BBC English. What was visible of his face between his raincoat and his facemask was Caucasian, with a small nose and dull blue eyes. The young girl travelling with him revealed even less of her features.
“Well, do you want any help with your bags and stuff?”
“Oh, I’ve got that.” The girl replied.
“Alright then. That’s £15:68 please mate.”
While the Englishman searched his pockets for his wallet, the girl stepped out and made her way to the boot. As she unloaded she noticed movement out of the corner of her eye. Within less than a second she had spun around, crouched low and drawn three kunai from her pocket. What she saw made her stop and stare in bewilderment.
“Amy-chan! What’s taking so long?” Heartman yelled above the hammering of the rain on the taxi roof. He hobbled over on his crutches.
“A spaceship! I saw a spaceship! A UFO! A real-life UFO!”
“Amy-chan, there’s no such thing as a UFO. It was probably a weather balloon.”
“You didn’t even look.” Amy-chan frantically pointed to the sky, but when Heartman did turn around all he saw were clouds.
“There’s nothing there. UFOs are just supernatural pish-tosh.”
“This coming from the guy who battles Nazi Squirrels for a living?”
“Touche. Now are you going to carry the luggage or stand about in the rain all day?”
Amy-chan reluctantly grabbed the two suitcases and walked up the driveway towards the front door, glancing back towards where she had spotted the ship before entering her home.
The following morning the weather had brightened considerably. The sun was shining and not a cloud was in the sky. Naturally, with such wonderful weather, our two protagonists were staring at computer screens indoors. Heartman was conversing over a secure feed with Britain’s Minister for Defence. The Minister was delighted to hear that another Squirrel base had been destroyed and that Heartman had discovered the identity of one of their key players. He was less than delighted to hear of Heartman’s injury and subsequent need for recuperation time.
Amy-chan was sitting staring at her PC screen. It was turned off. She glanced first at her stack of computer games, then at her stack of anime DVDs and then finally at her shelves of manga.
“There’s nothing to do!” She screamed to the empty room. She stomped over to her bedroom window and opened the curtains to reveal acres upon acres of lush forest directly outside. She opened the window and jumped over to the nearest tree. With dexterity only available to someone who is half human/ half kitten she swung through the branches, away from the mansion.
Amy-chan bounced from tree to tree, stopping nearly a mile away from the mansion to pick apples from one of the trees. She found a sturdy branch and began munching on her find.
Suddenly a loud clanging sound echoed throughout the forest. Amy-chan slipped from her tree branch and landed headfirst in a bush behind her. She plucked leaves out of her hair as she clambered to her feet. The clanging sound picked up again, this time louder and accompanied by a high-pitched shouting. Amy-chan flicked her ears around to pick up the location of the ruckus, then she bounded away in its’ direction.
As she approached the source of the commotion, Amy-chan crouched low and peered through a convenient bush. What she saw made her gasp in astonishment.
It was the spaceship from the previous night. It was lying slightly embedded in the forest floor. A short green woman with very long, equally green dreadlocks was kicking and screaming next to it. Amy-chan, being the kind soul that she is, made her existence known to this alien creature.
She jumped on top of the alien and pinned her to the ground.
“Hi there! My name’s Amy-chan, what’s yours?”
“I am Princess Rhukdhuiosh of the Greater Yusyse Empire, now get off of me.” The alien said as she threw Amy-chan away from her. Amy-chan landed on her feet and bounded towards the spaceship.
“That’s nice. What’s wrong with your ship?”
“Get away from that! You, and all of this planets inhabitants, will become slaves in the service of the greatest empire in the history of this galaxy.”
“Good luck with that. Hey, what’s this bit for?” Amy-chan asked as she pulled something off of the side of the ship. It didn’t want to come off, but with a good whack she managed to dislodge it.
“I said don’t touch that! That’s very delicate!”
“It’s broken is what it is. Look, this bit’s all wonky. I’ll have it fixed in a jiffy for you though.” Amy-chan pulled a small hammer out of her pocket (One of many items she carries around with her, just in case they’re needed. She also carries a tape measure, a paperclip, five ounces of gunpowder and a packet of tic-tacs). Without hesitation she began hitting the wonky piece with vigour.
“It’s meant to be wonky! If you touch it with your backwards tools it could-”
The wonky piece exploded violently, propelling Amy-chan across the clearing and covering Rhukdhuiosh with a black, oily substance.
“-Do exactly that.” Rhukdhuiosh finished as she spat the substance out of her mouth.
“Hey, Wookdoosh, I have a question.” Amy-chan wiped the substance from her face as she walked towards the alien.
“WHAT? What do you want from me you strange, annoying creature? Obviously it has to be more important than what I want, because Psidomsh knows that I travelled over seventeen parsecs to this backwater stinkhole of a planet not to conquer it and reclaim my rightful heritage from my scheming uncle but to answer the inane questions of the first annoying brat of a creature I run into! So what? What is it?”
Amy-chan held up the wonky bit in one hand and pointed to it with the other, “Can I keep this?”
The alien princess, who had had her empire stolen from her, had travelled such a distance, had been stranded on earth and had been knocked out of the sky by lightning finally broke down and cried. Amy-chan dropped the wonky piece and began to fret. She wasn’t used to people crying, let alone aliens. She bent down next to the alien and gently placed her hand on her slender shoulder.
“Hey, chin up now. Since it’s my fault that you lost your space-thingammy I’ll take you back to my place and build you a new one. A better one. Then you can conquer the Earth like you’re supposed to. Okay?”
Rhukdhuiosh stopped crying long enough to nod and whisper a mumbled “Okay.”
Amy-chan gently lifted the alien in her arms. She was only four-foot five, and really skinny too, so she didn’t weigh much.
After ten minutes of determined walking Amy-chan stopped and asked, “You don’t happen to know the way out do you?”